Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 1, 2010
Enjoy!


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Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three
doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The
bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of
these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek
behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of
people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. "Not
very nice," he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people
standing on their heads on a wooden floor. "Better," he
thought, "But best to check the last door."

When he opened the last door, he saw a room full of people
standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said, and waded in
to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head
in and said, "Okay, coffee break's over, back on your
hands and knees! Scrub that floor!"


Two college women were discussing the date one had had the 
night before.
"Oh, Nancy, he was sooo erudite, and clever, and sophisticated.
He speaks ten languages, drives a Lamborghini, took me to a
Parisian restaurant and ordered the meal and wine in French,
then took me to his penthouse apartment to look over his Russian
book collection by the fireplace."

"Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get with you?"

"Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning linguist!"

 


Photo Bomber


John brought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner.
As they arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her
arms around John and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been
married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets
you like that after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."


After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new 
telephone number, I dialled him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked confused.

"Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.

"Would you please tell him his girlfriend called," 
I said and immediately hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I angrily dialled again. 
This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"Like Hell you are!" I exclaimed. "You're not my boyfriend!"

"Lady, I know that," he replied. "That's what I've 
been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."


Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming 
party at his pool.


When they were changing into their swim trunks, one 
turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small 
dicks on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah!  It's probably because they 
have toys to play with!"


I tore out a bunch of pages from my Dictionary,
so now 'cleanliness' is next to 'godliness'. It's a
good thing I did not tear out any more
pages, or 'cleanliness' would be next to
'impossible!'


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter!





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 1, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity,
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring
the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so
long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting
her from here!"


A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful
woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, 
"Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly
not!" 

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

 



A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to
the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he
inquired.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame
replied.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued throughout the night until finally he
reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is
a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he
asked.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame.

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd
like her for the night," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, ...gesturing to
an older and much heavier woman in the corner, 
" ...but Two-Ton Bertha here has seniority!"



A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it
means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh ... you go there
to uh ... enjoy yourself and have a good time." The boy starts hollering
that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young
just yet. 

Saturday night his dad and a few friends sneak out to "Sweet
Suzie's" to "enjoy themselves and have a good time", not knowing the little
fellow is hot on their heels following them. The men are inside for quite a
while, but as soon as his father leaves, the little boy hurries into the
whorehouse and tells the Madame that he wants to enjoy himself and have a
good time.  

She's a bit taken back at first, but, being a kind-hearted lady
she gives him three sugar-glazed doughnuts and tells him to have 
a good time by enjoying them on the way home. 

Later that evening he arrives back home to find his parents all 
worried, his mum lying down with a worry-stress migraine.  

His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been. 

"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he shouts proudly. 

"SHOOSH! your mum has a headache,"  his father said, 
leading him out into the kitchen. 

"Ok then, so you went there, ... how was it?" 

"Great dad! I managed to eat the first two without any
problem, but I could only just manage to lick the last one.


Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.

"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami,"
says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a
different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes,
and lots of boyfriends. "

Sophie replies, "How long has she been a hooker?"


The average person thinks he isn't.
--- Father Larry Lorenzoni


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter!





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, April 30, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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A man was wandering around a
fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would
be good for a laugh, he went inside
and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed
into her crystal ball. "I see you are the
father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man
scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE
children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's
what YOU think."

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than
a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK,"
the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my
sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she
and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while
I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two
women," the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor.
That's why I want the divorce," he replied.

 


Seriously bad breath!


A guy goes on a tour in a factory making Latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures
baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hissing and
popping noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,"
explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking
a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where
condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes the hissing noise again.

"Wait a minute!" says the man. "I understand what the 'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby bottle nipple
machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth
condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" the man
exclaimed.

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me.

I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and
wonder at the constancy of the human condition.

I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia
and I show him a copy of the Constitution.

I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements
and I show him a periodic table.

Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with
wonder.

We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter!





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, April 29, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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At school Lil' Johnny was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole
truth."
Lil' Johnny decided to go home and try it out.
He went home, and as he was greeted by his
mother he said, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly handed him $20 and said,
"Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to
get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth."
Johnny's father promptly handed him $40 and
said, "Please don't say a word to your
mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to
school the next day when he saw the mailman
at his front door. Lil' Johnny greeted him by
saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail,
opened his arms saying, "Then come give
your real father a great big hug."


Bobby was stark naked in front of his open
window, doing his morning aerobics.
His wife entered the room and shouted, "Bobby,
you fool, draw those curtains! I don't want the
neighbors to think that I married you for your
money!"

 





Bill's wife's psychiatrist just called him and said,
"Did you know she was going to poison you?"
Bill said, "No! What you suggest?"
He said, "After listeneing to her for three hours,
my suggestion to you is to take the poison."


After the birth of my son, a woman from the records
department stopped by my hospital room to get
information for his birth certificate. "Father's date
of birth?" she asked.
When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his
birthday is exactly nine months before your son's
birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now
that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter
who turned two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she
patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start
buying your husband a tie for his birthday, 
or some condoms."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter!





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

*Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the
bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.


After working for many long, hard years, a hooker decides to
finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life
alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many
perverted men over the years, she feels that she needs a
change and commits to marrying only a virgin male of
approximately the same age as herself.

She takes out numerous ads in various newspapers around the
world seeking a male virgin approximately 55 years old. She
finally narrows her choices down to one Australian computer
programmer. After a thorough background check, she is
convinced that he indeed has never been with a woman, and
they are soon married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change
into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new
husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and
stacked it in one corner.

Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought
you had never been with a woman before?"

He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing
a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
 





A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French
maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her
shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed
the maid.

The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow
such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers
me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He
has told me himself."

The rich bitch just swallowed and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am
better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband, the
mail man did!


While travelling, Brett and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel.
Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and
a banging headboard from the next room.
At first we were amused by the amorous couple.
After five minutes it had lost its charm.
After ten minutes we were a little annoyed.
After fifteen minutes, we were ticked off, as it was keeping us awake.
After half an hour we were incensed!
After an hour we were pretty damned impressed.


Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; 
and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative,
has no brains.
--- Sir Winston Churchill

For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter!





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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