Wednesday, June 19, 2013, 05:52 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, June 19.
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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A country club didn't allow women on the golf course.
Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to
allow women on the course during the week. The ladies
were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's
club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter
from the women's club complaining about the men urinating
on the golf course.
Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter
reminding them of the previous letter and demanding
action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter
advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona.
They were running late and as luck would have it their car
broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic
told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But
he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three
of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart.
He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light
directs.
So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all
and took off.
An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a
couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up
along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the
window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'"
When we got off to look, the beast took off when the
light turned green."
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church.
The priest was taking a walk when he happened
to look up the tree and saw the little girl.
She had no panties on, so he called her down and
gave her two dollars to buy a pair of panties.
The girl was so happy that she ran home and told
her mother about it.
The next day, when the priest was taking his daily
walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young
girl's mother up there. She had no panties on, either.
He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy
a razor!
Nina and Rosie were always trying to get each other's goat
and today they were meeting for lunch.
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what
the problem was.
Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so
big I just can't take it."
Nina replied, "Yes, he sure is!"
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Tuesday, June 18, 2013, 05:54 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, June 18.
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find
'something exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first
little boy the teacher called on, walked up to the front
of the class...... and with a piece of chalk, made a small
white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting'
about a period?"
"I really don't know," he said, "but yesterday my sister was
'missing' one. Then my mommy fainted; daddy had a heart
attack, the preacher across the street drove off a cliff,
and Willie, next door, ran off and joined the Navy.
A married couple is driving (55 mph) down the interstate.
The wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've
been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly accelerates to 60 mph.
She says, "I want the house."
The husband speeds up to 62 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster and faster,
speeding to 65 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account,
and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer towards a bridge,
as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies, just before the right corner
of the car hits the wall, "I've got the airbag!"
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane
when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always
been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see
him in person."
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to
the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to
speak to the Pope.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle
out off his bag and began working on it.
"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really
good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll
ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring
to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word
that fit the description and he was not about to say it
to the Pope.
The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're
looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all
by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch.
One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first
glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so
he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said
to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first
two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both
three wishes. You will each take turns using
them and you have to use them now.
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every
bear in this forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a
magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear
in the neighboring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't
just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself
a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the
bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle,
said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Monday, June 17, 2013, 02:53 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, June 17.
Thank you for renewing Norm!
Thank you for renewing Frank!
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a
book, and noticed the man had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar
like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
"I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two
grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting a little impatient, said, "I am the Father of
hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants
backwards instead of your collar?"
Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to
expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time.
At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of
students gathered around a beautiful woman who, even in
a gown, was obviously very well endowed, indeed
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to
become familiar with variations in heartbeats, while
the body comes back to normal from the operation and
the anesthesia, by using a simple stethoscope.
The first student approached the patient a bit nervously
and proceeded to listen intently, moving the pick-up
piece around quite a bit.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated,
then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the
doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the
earpieces into his ears.
And everybody burst out laughing,
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection.
That was the beginning of the Secret Service .
Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a
large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI , CIA , NSA,
INS , IRS , DEA , ATF , etc.
Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service .
Can't you see them now? These minimum wage Muslim immigrants
in their black outfits with initials in large white letters
across their backs?
F. A. T. A. S. S.
Don't you feel safer already?
Here is an old Classic:
Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a Red Sox-Yankees baseball
game a few years ago. They were sitting in the first row,
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers
something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy,
looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his
head "no".
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous
request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to
the bat boy."
Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the
agent tells him the fans would love it!
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay!
If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and
the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right
over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,
"Bill you "!^$#@&#@%^&!!!".
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down,
cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is
bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that!
I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy
that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is
wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out
the first Pitch!"
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Sunday, June 16, 2013, 05:42 PM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, June 16.
Thank you for renewing Norm!
Thank you for renewing Frank!
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while
crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his
wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der
doktor?" (What did the doctor say?)
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor
says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a
flucky?"
"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."
Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high
anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit
by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know
what to do!"
Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone
had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the
best thing for a flucky."
Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is
absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky!
We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do
for a flucky."
Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife
decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please
tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him...nothing's wrong.
He - got - off - lucky."
The average woman would rather have beauty than
brains, because the average man can see better
than he can think.
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard
how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.
"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the
guard. "First you must take her into the water, then
place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then
take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."
"This is certainly most helpful." said the member.
"I know that my sister will appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case,
just push her into the deep end of the pool.
She'll learn in a hurry."
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware
store clerk.
"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger.
"Can you come this way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says,
"I wouldn't need the batteries."
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Saturday, June 15, 2013, 05:02 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, June 15.
Re all the kids with phones,
that are smarter than them:
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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It was at a cocktail party and a guy was getting
nowhere with a really stunning blonde. Finally, he
consulted the host - a buddy - about the situation and
the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix
her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so
stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your
wife."
"Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT
stiff."
A few women were sitting around the table talking,
and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said,
"My husband just won't go to church with me, I think
he's going to go to Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or ano ther, all the husbands
were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the women started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make
it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make
it unless I mend my ways, I better start soon."
At this point they noticed that one of the ladies
(the only single women in the group, and a blonde, mind you)
wasn't saying anything. They turned to her and said,
"You're such a nice lady, surely you'll be going
to Heaven?"
She says, "No way! In fact, first thing in the morning,
I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked, "Why??"
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men,
do you??!?"
The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be
expected while the guy was slowly going over the breakfast
menu. Being a smart ass, he said to the other guys in
the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear,
"I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of
the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in
size for my own."
The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented,
"In that case, maybe you should be looking at the
children's menu."
>From Ella
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a
new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too
old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended
the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1965."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked,
"What did you teach?"
He needed new teeth and a nose job after that.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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