Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, June 8.
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Ophelia
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Tyrone was visiting Leroy and discussing Leroy's problems
with his wife when Leroy's doorbell rang. Leroy answered
the door and was handed a paper which the deliverer said
was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him
if he knew what it was.
Tyrone in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Dis here
is a subpeena."
"Wut is a sub-peena?" Leroy asked.
"Well," said Tyrone, "dat's law talk. Yo wife is suing you for
deevorce. We know dat 'sub' means 'unda' and 'peena' is Latin
for 'penis', so -- 'subpeena' means unda the penis which means
she done got you by da balls."
>From Paul
The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't
feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast
knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday,
and would probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy
Birthday.
I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children
will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and
despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,
Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.
So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and
said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's
your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said,
By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's
go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;
we went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said,
You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we?
I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my
apartment.
After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if
you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and
slip into something more comfortable.
Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom
and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big
birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens
of our friends.
All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I
sat... with nothing on except my socks.
And that is why I fired my secretary!
Marty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in
the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend
Marvin has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Marty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs
a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now
that's what I call will power - something that you
definitely don't have."
But Sadie hadn't finished.
"And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend
of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of
the kind of will power that you don't have."
"OK, Sadie," said Marty, "you want to see will power,
do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the
spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't
be affected at all by not sleeping with you."
Marty keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week,
there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Marty shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the
housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. She worked
out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also
kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!.
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to
quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, "Well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have
children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt
your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband and of course he
readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they
adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she
would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was
pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if
she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went
on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same
thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they
adopted the third baby. She worked for another two months, but then
said, " I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up
after!"
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Ophelia
2090
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