Wedding in progress 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, "Take the dog for a walk." ____________________________________________________ 2 Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?" Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Michigan, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, don't ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Michigan's Upper Peninsula, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Soo, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't ya know; if hell is froze over, dat must mean da Lions von da Super Bowl! ____________________________________________________ 3 A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing' 'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment..... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!" ____________________________________________________ 4 As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. You'll probably never see me on the weekends." His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker." "No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting them straight in no time." ____________________________________________________ 5 Some feminists are demanding that housewives be paid a weekly salary for all the work they do. Eventually, we'll have a housewife's union. I can't wait to see what happens when the housewives go on strike and strike breakers are brought in to take their places. ___________________________________________________ 6 School girl : "I do not want to take the Sex Education class" Teacher : "Why not?" School girl : "Someone told me the Final Exam would be oral!" ___________________________________________________ 7 Employee: Boss, I've been here 11 years, doing three men's work for one man's pay. I want a raise and I want it now! Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but tell you what.... if you tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them. =====================================================



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Aussie Love Poem 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible. The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch. Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Straight, Curly!" ____________________________________________________ 2 The Great Aussie Love Poem Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Don't Care So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies I Think It's Very Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave The Moment That We Met I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll Always Love Ya Dear Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Bloody Beer! ____________________________________________________ 3 In the kitchen he wanted to boff her. Satisfaction he tried to proffer. She replied, "I am sold, But the floor is too cold." So he made her a counter-offer. ____________________________________________________ 4 A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it. "We've received the results from your tests," says the doctor on the other end of the line. "Bad news-you have Ebola." "Oh, my God," cries the man. "Doc! What am I going to do?" "Don't worry. First, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread," says the doctor. "Will that cure me?" "No...it's the only food that'll fit under the door." ____________________________________________________ 5 I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt. ___________________________________________________ 6 Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise. As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did." "Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!" ___________________________________________________ 7 There was a young lady from Cheam Who tried out a breast-growing cream She awoke in the night With a terrible fright Another had grown in between! =====================================================



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Face Mecca to pray 
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____________________________________________________ This version is just for testing your email, whether you can receive my newsletter or not. If you DO receive this, then you can subscribe to the full version. To keep out little kids, the full version costs one dollar a month or ten dollars a year. PayPal does the age check. You can use credit or debit cards at PayPal if you don't have a PayPal account yet. Subscribe to the FULL version! _____________________________________________________ Here is ONE of the many jokes from the full version: _____________________________________________________ 3 Two gals setting in cocktail lounge. Time is about 8:30 P.M. Said one: "It looks like a dull evening. By golly, if I'm not in bed by 10 o'clock, I'm going home!" =====================================================




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Hunks for screwing 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. "Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend." "Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on." ____________________________________________________ 2The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer's got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."Vietnam" ____________________________________________________ 3 While it might be considered somewhat, er, shall we say 'outre'," the physician told the inquiring husband. "I don't see any real harm from your wife's night-creaming her genital area with various whipped edible varieties." "But Doc !!!" the man persisted. "I'm already 30 pounds overweight!" ____________________________________________________ 4 A stenographer who was struck on the shoulder by a flying paper clip, decided to visit the company doctor. It was her first visit there, and being naturally shy, she hesitated a while before going over to a middle-aged man, explained her trouble and asked him to examine her shoulder. He responded agreeably, and began to examine her thoroughly. It was not long until the blushing young maiden looked down and said, "But Doctor, that isn't my shoulder you're examining." "That's all right," he said, "I'm not the Doctor." ____________________________________________________ 5 Murray had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion. "I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That must stop!" "Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip. Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?" "Yeah." "And to dinner?" "That's right." "And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?" "Yeah." "So what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only use those silly hunks for screwing." ___________________________________________________ 6 A well-traveled man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "For $50, you can mix any cocktail you want without my knowledge and I can tell you the ingredients!" The bartender takes up the challenge and mixes up an odd combination. The man takes a sip and says: "I taste vanilla vodka, canadian whiskey, and diet coke." The bartender is astonished. "You're right." He makes another. "This drink," says the man, "contains Puerto Rican rum, Tab, Dr. Pepper, and gin." Again, the bartender is amazed at the man's ability. This goes on for a few more rounds and the bartender has lost a good bit of money. He decides to stump the man. "If I can make a cocktail you can't identify, you have to pay back all the money I've already given you." The man agrees and laughs. The bartender pours a glass of tap water and gives it to the man. "By golly, you've done it! I have no idea what this is. I can tell you one thing though: whatever it is, it won't sell! ___________________________________________________ 7 There was a young girl named O'Malley Who wanted to dance in the ballet. She got roars of applause When she kicked off her drawers But her hair and her bush didn't tally. =====================================================



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Why don't roosters have hands? 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Q. "Why don't roosters have hands?" A. "Because chickens don't have tits!" ____________________________________________________ 2 When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day." "I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forecast is for snow." "It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one." I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour." ____________________________________________________ 3 Bill has the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed him a bottle of Rogaine hair-restorer. Bill told her while he was indeed starting to thin out some, he didn't really think he needed hair-restorer yet. She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket." ____________________________________________________ 4 A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do." "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it." ''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where Do you think the left wingers come from?" ____________________________________________________ 5 Winter is here with his grouch, The time when you sneeze and slouch. You can't take your women Canoein' or swimmin', But a lot can be done on a couch. ___________________________________________________ 6 It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do aboutit? Finally he offered to provide her with free meatuntil the boy was 16. She agreed.He had been counting the years off on his calendar,and one day the teenager, who had been collecting themeat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've beencounting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on herface." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tellhim I have also had free bread, free milk, free groceries and free rent for the last 16 years, and watch the expression on HIS face!" ___________________________________________________ 7 A man, suspecting his wife of infidelity, hired a detective to shadow her. After a few days the detective discovered the wife in her own room with a boy friend in an exceptionally fond embrace on the divan. Quickly locating the husband, he brought him to the home where both peeked in through the door and found the couple still making love. Visibly shocked, the husband invited the detective into the kitchen, saying: "Let's have some coffee while I think." The detective replied: "Certainly, thanks, but just make me one cup. That's all I'm allowed." "Sure," said the husband, "that's enough for me, too." So they retired to the kitchen where the husband silently brewed two steaming cups of coffee. As they sat down to drink, the detective broke the silence: "Well, what about the fellow in there?" Replied the husband: "Oh, to hell with him; let him make his own coffee." =====================================================



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If the free subscription gets censored and does not make it through to you,
then the paid version will not make it through either.

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Enjoy!
Ophelia


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Ophelia Dingbatter
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Please help me stay online!
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See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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