Cracker wants a Polly 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 The Sexiest Thing A Gal Can Wear Is A Devilish Smile ____________________________________________________ 2 A priest and a rabbi were talking about confession one day when the priest got an idea. "Why don't you sit in with me on confession today?" "Are you sure that would be okay?" asked rabbi. "Well, no one will know...what can it hurt?" replied priest. So rabbi accepted and first woman in booth said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." "What did you do?" he asked. "I cheated on my husband," she admitted. "How many times?" priest asked. "Three times, Father." "Say five Hail Mary's and put five dollars in offering box." The next woman who came in had much same confession. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I cheated on my husband three times." Once again priest replied, "Say five Hail Mary's and put five dollars in offering box." Now that rabbi had seen how easy it was he offered to deal with next confession for priest. "Well, I really don't see what it could hurt. Go ahead." offered the priest. Another woman came in and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What have you done?" asked rabbi. "In a moment of weakness I cheated on my husband." she confessed. "Just once?" asked rabbi. "No. Twice." replied woman. "Well, go do it again, they're three for five dollars today." ____________________________________________________ 3 After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?" "Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that??" ____________________________________________________ 4 A man bought a parrot. It sat in its cage all day saying, "Cracker want a polly. Cracker want a polly." The man's friend heard the bird and said, "That bird is really stupid!" The owner said, "No, his name's Cracker, and he's very lonely." ____________________________________________________ 5 >From Bob Across from my house is young Mabel And if her curtains stay open. I'm able To watch her caressing Herself while undressing As long as I stand on this table. ___________________________________________________ 6 "You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither." --- Steve Martin "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." * Jack Nicholson ___________________________________________________ 7 Actual Names of Towns: Nobber (Donegal, Ireland) Arsoli (Lazio, Italy) Muff (Northern Ireland) Bastard (Norway) Twatt (Shetland, UK) Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada) Wankie (Zimbabwe) Climax (Colorado, USA) Lickey End (West Midlands, UK) Shafter (California, USA) Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic) Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border) Donk (Belgium) Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA) Brown Willy (every schoolboy's favourite, Cornwall,UK) Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland) Stains (Near Paris,France) Turdo (Romania) Fukum (Yemen) Fuku (Shensi, China) Wanks River (Nicaragua) Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany) Shag Island (Indian Ocean) Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines) Hold With Hope (Greenland) Beaver (Oklahoma, USA) Beaver Head (Idaho, USA) Wet Beaver Creek (Australia) Pis Pis River (Nicaragua) Tittybong (Australia) Dikshit (India) Middle Intercourse Island (Australia) Chinaman's Knob (Australia) Gobbler's Knob (Kentucky, USA) =====================================================


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Her phone number 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men said that would cost an additional $45 service fee, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my van, which was blocking their truck. I told them my fee was $45...for van moving ! ____________________________________________________ 2 >From Tina I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year- old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" ____________________________________________________ 3 A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" ____________________________________________________ 4 A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. " What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" ____________________________________________________ 5 Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." "You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit." The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie." ___________________________________________________ 6 Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives. "My wife is mad at me again," says the first. "Why?" "I was bombed at the bar across the street last night. And she came looking for me." "What'd you do?" "I asked her for her phone number." ___________________________________________________ 7 My cousin, Marilyn, says that teaching a Sex Education class has its own special problems. She complained. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit." =====================================================


>From Bernie's visit to Toronto
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Surprised cow 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father. "The bull just mounted the brown cow." There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow." The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy." "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pop! He mounted the brown cow again!" ____________________________________________________ 2 A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop approaches him. "Can I help you, sir?" said the cop. "Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied. The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?" "It wassss at the end of thisss key." the man replied. About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man's "thing" was hanging out. He asked the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, "Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!" ____________________________________________________ 3 Jill and Little Johnny were riding down the road and Little Johnny swerved slightly to go past a pretty blonde jogging. Jill said, "Did you see her?" "Well, yeah." said Little Johnny. "That really gets me. I've never understood that about women. She was wearing a necklace, two bracelets, hoop earrings, her nails were freshly polished with Salerno Mavala nail polish, she'd recently spritzed Chanel behind her ears, and she was wearing Yves Saint Laurent lip gloss!" Jill said. "You noticed all that?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes I did. You didn't?" replied Jill. Little Johnny said, "Not exactly. All I noticed was that she had legs all the way up to her very well rounded cute little butt, a spectacular set of nicely bouncing tits and no wedding ring." Then Little Johnny had to swerve again to avoid being slapped by an even more upset Jill. ____________________________________________________ 4 A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The mans replies,"No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man,"it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells,"Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!" ____________________________________________________ 5 16 years old Billy is horny and he has a crush on his older teacher. So , he goes to her and he says that he wants to have sex with her , he wants her to be the first woman in his life , blah blah ... Finaly , the teacher says Yes. So they go to her house , go in the bed , but Billy being a little bit shy , asks her teacher if he can turn off the light. She agrees , and after that , they finaly begin to fuck. After they finished the first round , Billy asks her if he can go into the bathroom , to "relax". She agrees (again) . After a couple of minutes , he returns and they start all over. Again , after this round , he goes directly into the bathroom , stays there for a couple of minutes and then he returns for a new "ride". This happens 2..3..5..10 times , when finaly the she asks "Billy , but why do you always need to go into the bathroom?" . And he answers : "I'm sorry , I'm not Billy , I'm George . Billy is in the bathroom , selling tickets." ___________________________________________________ 6 A Big Game Hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced. "Springbok". Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared. "And shot with a .308" riffle". The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before, against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .416" and he was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, everytime against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife. 'Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?". To which his wife replied angrily. "From me, of course." "But what did I do?"he asked. She replied "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone: "Skunk, killed with an axe". ___________________________________________________ 7 Little Johnny's father took his small son to the zoo. They were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Johnny's father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and little Johnny was taking it all in with a serious expression. "Dad," Johnny said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up..." "Yes, son?" Little Johnny's father said expectantly. Johnny continued, "...which bus should I take home?" =====================================================



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Fathers Day in the hood 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. --- George Burns Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in. --- Casey Stengel ____________________________________________________ 2 "Good afternoon, Landlord, a pint of Less if you please," said the old man. "Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman. "Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted. "No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?" "Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was the doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less." ____________________________________________________ 3 Two ladies were talking over the back fence. One asked, "Do you use oral contraceptives?" The other said, "Oh, no! Don't tell me you can get pregnant THAT way!" ____________________________________________________ 4 Nit: Haven't I seen your face somewhere else? Wit: I don't think so. It has always been between my ears. ____________________________________________________ 5 A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell." ___________________________________________________ 6 Years ago, in high-school, Jill, a bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. "Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong." "Yeah, I guess you right." replied Jill. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat." ___________________________________________________ 7 >From Bill Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. =====================================================



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Yoga helps with nail biting 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Once you reach mid-level management, promotions are hard to come by at the state highway dept. I congratulated one woman on her recent upgrade and asked if she would mind telling me how she pulled it off. She smiled and said, "Well, sure. But I doubt very much if it'll do you any good." ____________________________________________________ 2 >From Lynn MEN: 1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again. 2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. 3. Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practicing to be men. 4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. 5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. 6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. 7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because not one will stop and ask directions. 8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts . 9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. 10. Q: What is the difference between men and women... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. 11. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. 12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!! And send this to five bright men who have the sense of humor to find this funny! ____________________________________________________ 3 Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? ____________________________________________________ 4 A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day. "Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," asked the reporter. "Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women." Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit. "What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter. Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!" ____________________________________________________ 5 A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home. ___________________________________________________ 6 A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead." ___________________________________________________ 7 A young man went to the dentist, and as the dentist was leaning over him he said, "I see you have had oral sex recently sir." The young man said, "Why, is there pubic hair in my teeth?" The dentist said, "No...you've got shit on your nose." =====================================================



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