No dancing for them! 
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Today is Sunday, April 30

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." _____________________________________________________ 2 A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?" Her hubby, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?" To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough!" _____________________________________________________ 3 A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch" The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'" So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And again it slipped. He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me." At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself. The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming in unison, "Son-of-a-bitch!" ____________________________________________________ 4 A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's absolutely forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children." "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah." "With the woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah." "Can we do it doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah." "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah." "Can we do it standing up?" "NO, NO, NO!" cries the Rabbi. "Absolutely NEVER standing up!" "Why not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing." _____________________________________________________ 5 A drunk staggers walks into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?" "No," she says. The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens." _____________________________________________________ 6 At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!" =====================================================



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Today is Saturday, April 29

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 >From JJS Recently, on a single day Washington State recently passed two laws. They 1. Legalized gay marriage and 2. Legalized marijuana. Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana on the same day now makes perfect Biblical sense. Leviticus 20:13says:"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! _____________________________________________________ 2 >From Tom A pansy who came from Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room And they stayed up all night And argued who had the right To do what, with which and to whom. On the back of a harlot named Gayle Was tattooed the price of her tail And on her behind For the sake of the blind Was the same information -- in Braille. Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard To get her poor daughter a dress But when she got there The cupboard was bare And so was her daughter, I guess. _____________________________________________________ 3 A drunk man was crying when he walked into a bar. One of the other men at the bar asked him what happened. "I did a horrible thing," sniffed the drunk. "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of scotch." "That is awful," said the other guy. "And now she's gone and you want her back, right?" "Right," said the drunk, still crying. The man continued, "You're sorry you sold her because you realized too late that you love her, right?" And the drunk said, "Oh no, I wish I had her back because I should have asked for two bottles!" ____________________________________________________ 4 Thanks to Dave for this one: After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown as I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down and gave my girlfriend a long and juicy kiss and friendly grope. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Dave, I'm back here." _____________________________________________________ 5 Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play. Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now? Bob: Darts? Bill: Nah. Bob: Shoot some pool? Bill: Nah. Bob: Cards? Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife. Bob: Whadaya mean? Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife. Bob: What about me? Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all. Bob: Well... if you think it's okay... Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go! At Bill's house: Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house! _____________________________________________________ 6 These are actual clippings from church newspapers It's amazing what a little proofreading would prevent: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." =====================================================



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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, April 27

Not a single one of you has told me which of the 
9 types you fall into. 
Do you not read down that far?

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Two Irish kids playing in a lane found a donkey who had died with a hard on. Being the mischievous kind of boys, they cut off the donkey's dick and began brandishing it in the air. Just then, a police officer on his bicycle came up the lane, and the boys not wanting to be caught with it, tossed it over the wall of the Nunnery. Sister Agnes and Sister Mary taking their afternoon stroll found the dick in the bushes. "Oh sweet Jesus," says Sister Agnes. "What's wrong?" asks Sister Mary. "You've gone as white as a sheet." "It's those dirty protestant bastards," Sister Agnes replies. "They have murdered Father O'Toole!" _____________________________________________________ 2 Two black gals are shuffling down the road, when the older one asks the younger one, "Honey Chil'...how old is you??" The younger gal just shook her head and said sadly, "Don' know fo' sho'... on a counta my Mama never done learn hows to count. But she be recknin' I's either 'leven or I's fo'teen..." So the older gal says, "Tell me sumptin', baby. Wha's the best thang you ever done had in yo' mouth??" "Sheeeeh"..says the young girl. "Tha's easy. That be bein' a big ol' slice o' aunt Maybelles blueberry pie, yes maam!!!" The first gal shakes her head, chucklin, "Chil'...you's eleven!!!" _____________________________________________________ 3 A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!" ____________________________________________________ 4 A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work with him. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient." "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you laid her down on the couch." _____________________________________________________ 5 The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex honey... only $50... you look all uptight." "No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!" "So???" queried the hooker. "My wife will do it for $35." he replied. _____________________________________________________ 6 Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping and moving. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" =====================================================



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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, April 26

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why. He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut. "But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex life." "Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way." _____________________________________________________ 2 When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him. But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped. _____________________________________________________ 3 THE NINE TYPES OF BOYFRIENDSS... 1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, okay?" Also Known As: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy 2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also Known As: Grumbles, Sour-Puss, Stick-in-the-Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk Advantages: Stays put; predictable Disadvantages: Pain in the butt 3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also Known As: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle 4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin.' "Also Known As: Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig 5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also Known As: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead Advantages: Well rested; easy target Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams 6. The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also Known As: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat,Slime, SOB Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt Disadvantages: May be having time of his life 7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels." Also Known As: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova Advantages: Perpetually aroused Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused 8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also Known As: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool Advantages: Tells good stories Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" 9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht." Also Known As: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy, Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction The 9 types of girlfriends 1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have." Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday. 2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?" Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady Advantages: Pays attention to you. Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans 3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps." Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious 4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? 5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?" Easily influenced by coworkers. Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Flip-flop. Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed 6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs 7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you. Disadvantages: You will have no friends. 8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud. 9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you. I know you are looking for a type 9. Tell me which type YOU are! ____________________________________________________ 4 Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem. "Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two." _____________________________________________________ 5 Greg thought he would give Keli a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked. Greg settled for white. "How much does it cost?" Greg asked. "Twenty-four dollars." "Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now Greg, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard, pictured Keli in his mind, and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?" _____________________________________________________ 6 Weird US laws I have not mentioned before: Alabama It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. Connecticut In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire. In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday. Georgia In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road. It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down. Idaho In Pocatello, "It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation." Illinois In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American." Kentucky An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." The following important amendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses." Massachusetts In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms. It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so. Minnesota Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard. It's illegal to tease skunks. New Jersey It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street. New York In New York City, "It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand." Tennessee In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists." Virginia In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee. In Norfolk, a man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere. There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates." In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed. In Norfolk, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a Civil Service job - for men only - called a corset inspector.) Washington Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet. =====================================================



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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, April 25

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that." The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis." The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other: "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?" The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis." The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?" The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn." _____________________________________________________ 2 A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa." The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just popped in my head." The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch." _____________________________________________________ 3 There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So................ They buried her. ____________________________________________________ 4 >From Wendy A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." _____________________________________________________ 5 Prince Charming walks into a tavern appearing downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turns to him and asks why he's so glum. "You wouldn't believe it," he replies. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when, suddenly I approached Snow White fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her tells me that she ate a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips. I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give her a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods when suddenly, she screams out, 'Ah yes!'" "That's great!" the bartender excitedly replies. "Then she's alive!" Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming says, "Nah. She faked it." _____________________________________________________ 6 How To Get Even PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will ontinue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as OIL SPOT. GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, Just come around back and Come early! X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x- ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. An absolute classic. OIL SPOT: At night pour used oil under neath the victims car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I heard of some buying the leaking lemon off the neighbor, really cheap. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated failed attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too. =====================================================



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Ophelia Dingbatter
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