Saturday, May 25, 2013, 05:06 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, May 25.
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely.
So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he
didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and
that it would be a woman.
He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she
will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she
will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she
will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will even praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you
love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....
So, it's Adam's fault, and ever since, according to
THE RULES, it's been the man's fault.
Doctor's Office There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's
receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a
room full of other patients. I know most of us have
experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 61 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
"Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said
there is something wrong with your ear or something and
then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "Well you shouldn't ask people things in
a room full of others if the answer could embarrass you."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The
receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he
had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"It hurts when I piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours,
they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby
farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained,
"and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn,
and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way
and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name, and give her one of MY business cards?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid
I did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, she just died and left me everything!
A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for
the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the
golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the
little green guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye
got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I
don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I
didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was
fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for
him.! I'll give him three things I would want a great golf
game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is
back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the
leprechaun waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous
international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's
good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And
tell me, how's yer money?"
"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."
" I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"
"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and
says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."
"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How
many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once
-sometimes twice a week."
"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice
a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish."
David was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when
his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their
newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked David.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my
wife and I have here?"
David said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, "Come on David, I want a nephew.
David, make me an uncle."
David couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law
an apologetic look and asked his brother, "Are you really
sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honour."
"Well congratulations, you're holding him."
Enjoy!
Ophelia
2040
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( 3 / 5 )
Showed her his testimonials
Friday, May 24, 2013, 06:08 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, May 24.
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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>From Dolores
Once I took Lewis to a celebratory dinner at a really posh
restaurant. We walked in, were ushered to a table by a formally
dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which were
displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking the damask
napkin from the solid silver napkin ring, Lewis unfolded it,
put it around his neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the back.
Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted teeth,
"Sir, will you have a shave or a haircut?"
"Spaghetti!" Lewis announced.
A man was brought up on charges of bigamy.
The judged looked at the docket and said,
"Good God, man! You're charged with marrying SIX women.
How could you do such a thing?"
"Hey, judge, gimme a break," the man replied. "I was
only trying to find a keeper."
Leroy applied for a job in an office. After the
interview, he left and hooked up with his friends.
One asked, "How'd it go?"
The guy answered, "First part was smooth. But den
she wanted to see my testimonials. So I showed 'em
and she freaked. There went da job."
The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while the
guy was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says, being a
smart ass,"I usually never return to a restaurant unless one
of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size
for my own."
The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, maybe you should
be looking at the children's menu?"
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed
in her cleavage.
She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink?
How about you, Johnny?"
"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer.
Roses drink water," explained the teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem
was THAT long!"
Enjoy!
Ophelia
2039
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Thursday, May 23, 2013, 05:51 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, May 23.
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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Ferguson the blacksmith came to the doctor's surgery with
a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised becauses
Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Well, 33 years ago, I was a young apprentice with
Mr Thompson," Ferguson began.
"But about your foot?" the doc said.
"This is abut my foot," Ferguson replied. "Thompson
had a beautiful daughter. The first night I was there,
she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was
comfortable or if I wanted anything. I said I didn't.
The next night, she came in wearing her nightdress
and asked if there was anything she could get or
do for me and I told her I was comfortable.
The next night, she came in without a thing on
and asked if she could do anything for me. Not wanting
to keep her in the cold and without any clothes,
I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot?" the doctor
asked impatiently.
"It was only this morning that I finally thought of
what she meant," Ferguson said. "I was so annoyed with
myself, I threw me hammer against the wall and it
rebounded and broke me ankle."
A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again -
but with the lights off.
Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found
no towel when he emerged from the shower.
He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When
she opened the door, she saw his naked body for the
first time. Her eyes went up and down and, about
midway, they stopped and stared.
She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small
part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out,
his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through
the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to
eat first!"
Every time the U.S. Cavalry major rode through the camp of
the recently subjected Indian tribe, he'd deliberately wave
to the old chief. And the latter would reply by giving him
the finger, in the usual vertical manner, and then turning
his hand so that the same digit stuck out horizontally.
After a few weeks of this, the major's curiosity got the
better of him; so he rode over after one such exchange
and said, "Look, Chief, I know what it means when you
give me the finger straight up, but what the hell
does it mean when you also give it to me sideways?"
"It means," grunted the chief, "that I don't like your
horse, either!"
The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park,
a dazed but oddly happy expression on his face.
"What happened?" asked the cop.
"I was - uh - minding my own business, sleeping, maybe
snoring a bit," mumbled the man,
"when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me
and - uh - tore off my clothes.
And then. . . "
"And then what?"
"And then all heaven broke loose!"
Enjoy!
Ophelia
2030
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Wednesday, May 22, 2013, 01:57 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, May 22.
Welcome Evelyn from Alberta!
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her
idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I
marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be
musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
A whitehaired grannie overheard and spoke up,
"Girl, what you really want is a TV!"
>From Bill
My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have
killed him if we hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the shower window
and closed the curtains."
A campus biggie went out for the first time with a vivacious little
baton-twirling champion of the college marching band, and he ended up in
hospital. "What happened, Bob?" inquired his visiting roommate.
Let's call it a case of overreation," groaned the patient. "After the
dance and a hamburger, we drove over and parked in Memorial Grove.
Matters proceeded nicely, and she began to give me a tantalising slow
hand job - but then some jerk in the car alongside began to whistle the
school fight song!"
An evangelist was delivering a flaming sermon on vice that shook the
rafters of the mission. "Listen to me, all you cigarette suckers," he
thundered, "all you pipe suckers, all you bottle suckers -"
Just then a high squeaky voice interjected from the back row, "Don't
forget us!"
Here is my favorite preacher:
Father Guido Sarducci
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Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Enjoy!
Ophelia
2026
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Tuesday, May 21, 2013, 10:20 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, May 21.
Enjoy
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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Top Ten College Sports Jokes
1) What does the average Stanford University player
get on his SATs?
Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas
cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a University of Southern California
cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Nebraska graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
(5) Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
(6) Why is the Vanderbilt football team like a opossum?
Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Florida State
football player's life?
His freshman year.
(8) How many Arizona State freshmen does it take to
change a light bulb?
None . . . That's a sophomore course at ASU..
(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
Berkley, California
He knew that the police would never look there for a
Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....:
(10) Why did Oregon State choose orange as their team
color?
You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,
and .... picking up trash along the highways the rest of
the week.
There was an old professor who started every class with
a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the
women in the class decided to walk out the next time he
started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning
he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear
the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor.
"The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
There once was a lady quite handsome,
got caught in an overhead transom.
She offered much gold,
for release , but was told,
the view was worth more than the ransom.
There once was a lady from Madras,
who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink, as you probably think,
it was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy
class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked
the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're
having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"
____________________________________________________________
Enjoy!
Ophelia
2024
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