Jesus was in the store 
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, October 17

By the time you read this, DearWebby will have had his October
shots into his eyeballs and will be stumbling around groping walls and of course any females within reach. 

It is surprising what he can get away with while wearing 
dark glasses at the Eye Center. Some women apparently 
even grope back!

That means he won't be sending out newsletters for 3 days.

Enjoy your vacation!


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Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!" So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells. "No, Sir!" came the reply. "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!" ____________________________________________________ 2 Two men were talking. One said "I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead." "What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time." The first man shrugged. "Exactly." he replied. ____________________________________________________ 3 >From Eddie When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every six months or 6,000 miles, whichever comes first." ____________________________________________________ 4 A professor was explaining how the life often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies. "You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell." "Yeah," said a student. "I've always noticed that if a woman has one small breast, the other one is always a bit larger." ____________________________________________________ 5 A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams. "What the hell is that?" he asked. "War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes." Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams. "What the hell is that?" "War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes." The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams! "War wound?" they both asked. "Naah, my zipper's stuck." ___________________________________________________ 6 >From Al As an executive vice-president, my father was scheduled to meet with the board of directors of the large advertising agency where he worked. It was Thanksgiving eve, and he and my mother had exchanged numerous phone calls all day to arrange for the arrival of family members from far away. Their plan finally set, Dad made his way to the meeting . Meanwhile, Mom had come up with a better plan. She called my dad at work and insisted that his secretary deliver the message to him immediately. The secretary entered the boardroom and announced, "Excuse me, Mr.Harbert, but your wife just called with an urgent message. She said to tell you that she's figured out a new way to do it." ___________________________________________________ 7 A few days before his proctologic exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's behind was that glass eye staring right back at him! "You know," said the doctor, "You really have to learn to trust me." ___________________________________________________ 8 An 89-year-old man intended to marry a 24-year-old young woman. His son told him, "You can't marry a 24-year-old." "Why not?" asked the indignant old man. The son said, "If you marry a 24-year-old, you'll have to have sex with her. That could be fatal!" He thought about it a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, your mom didn't die from sex. If this one dies, she dies. She'll be insured!" =====================================================


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Did Clinton rape the ugly one? 
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, October 16

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 IN THE BEGINNING...........God said, " Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, " Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do? God said, " Go down into that valley." Adam said, " What' s a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, " Cross the river." Adam said, " What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, " Go over to the hill......." Adam said, " What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, " On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, " What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, " In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, " What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, " I want you to reproduce." Adam said, " How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), " Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, " What is it now?" And Adam said, " What's a headache?" ____________________________________________________ 2 Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transexual making love with a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, . . . . . . "Are there any questions?" Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?" ____________________________________________________ 3 Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh,Good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!" ____________________________________________________ 4 A young buck went into a large store for a packet of rubbers. "Have you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got red ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few other different colors." "I'll try the lot," said the young man adventurously. Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The same assistant served them asking, "What bust, madam?" "The blue one," The young man said sadly. ____________________________________________________ 5 It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!" ___________________________________________________ 6 After the Sundays game, Norman figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says Todd. "You know," the wife says, "It is supposed to happen before the two minute warning." ___________________________________________________ 7 Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is." "This is the Income Tax Department. Could you please help us?" "I will." "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do." "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is." "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will." ___________________________________________________ 8 The 15-year-old daughter brought home a young Naval Aviator to meet her parents. During dinner, the pilot happened to mention that he was from Glen Burnie. The Mother said, "What a coincidence. My husband and I lived there 17 years ago when we were first married." The pilot got a strange look on his face and changed the topic of conversation. The daughter fell strangely silent. After he left, the teen said, "Thanks a lot, Mom. I told him I was 18. Now I'll have to tell him that I was illegitimate." =====================================================


Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
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   Do NOT complain to me,   
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   goes on at your ISP or in your computer.  


4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
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Tit Tat Toe 
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Good Morning, !
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up day after tomorrow. She's going to let the County bury her!" ____________________________________________________ 2 >From Evelyn Story of a woman who just turned 47 years old When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boy friend. So I decided I needed a passionate guy.but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stabilty. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never setting on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31 I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend I am now 47and I am now looking for a guy with a big dick. ____________________________________________________ 3 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger, who was dressed like a typical Democratic congressman, pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and demanded "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too." ____________________________________________________ 4 Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an hillbilly, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. Gentlemen," the Devil started, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then ste pped up and said, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. ''Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The hillbilly then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The hillbilly then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the hillbilly, " it's from my asshole." The hillbilly went to Heaven. ____________________________________________________ 5 A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those....." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn." ___________________________________________________ 6 Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?" He answered, "I hunt unicorns." The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?" The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." The first hunter said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!" ___________________________________________________ 7 After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac." ___________________________________________________ 8 A woman's parrot died one day and she went to the pet shop to get a new pet. The store clerk offered her lots of different options but she refused all of them saying that she wanted something different. He pointed to a normal looking parrot in the corner of the store. "Ya right!" "It's a special bird. It's called the chomp-chomp bird." "What is so special about that?" "Tell it to chomp chomp anything and it will eat it!" "Let me try it. Chomp chomp desk." CHOMP! CHOMP! The bird ate the desk! The woman proceded to buy it for two hundred dollors. When she got home she took it to her husband's office and said, "Chomp chomp desk!" CHOMP! CHOMP! The bird ate the desk. When her husband came home he saw the bird and said, "You and your pets. When one dies you have to get a new one!" He went to his office and saw his desk missing. He called for his wife and asked, "Where is my desk?" "The Chomp Chomp bird ate it." She was holding the bird and her husband yelled, "Chomp chomp bird my ass!" CHOMP! CHOMP! =====================================================


Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
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   goes on at your ISP or in your computer.  


4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
THEN you can pay for your subscription to the full version at


You can pay easily and securely with PayPal,
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Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

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I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about
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Enjoy!
Ophelia


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Eddy can finger! 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 The Good, the Bad, the Ugly Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the women next door Ugly: So are you Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting you Ugly: With corrections. Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's your best friend's brother Good: Your daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients Way Ugly: She makes way more money than you ____________________________________________________ 2 A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. a young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, i'm only here to wash your hands and feet" he struggles again to ask, "nurse, are my testicles black?" finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "there's nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "that was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back???" ____________________________________________________ 3 >From Eddy I went for piano lessons when I was a young man... I loved the finger exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes and say the lesson was over. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered that I was going into the wrong building... The Music school was right next door to a bordello. I can't play squat on the piano... but boy, can I finger! ____________________________________________________ 4 Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed? Democrats will screw anything and anybody, even you. ____________________________________________________ 5 A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?" The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering." The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da-da-doctor?" "It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost a foot long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with." The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?" "Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one." "Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on." The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal!" ___________________________________________________ 6 An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" ___________________________________________________ 7 This guy is about to jump off a bridge, when all of a sudden, behind him he hears "Don't jump! Don't jump!" He looks around and there is an ugly-ugly old broad. She says "Don't jump. I am a witch and I can grant you any three wishes you want." He starts to think about money and cars, and says "What's the catch?" "You have to sleep with me first," says the old broad. He looks at the ugly hag but finally agrees. They go to her place and WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM! He then says "For my first wish..." She interrupts him and asks, "How old are you?" He answers "Forty-two." And she asks "And you still believe in witches?" ___________________________________________________ 8 Three women were comparing notes about their customers from the night before. "I entertained a cowboy last night", said the first. "How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second. "Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together." "Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree. "I entertained a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time." They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer. "I had a grain farmer for a client," commented the third. "How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked. "First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall." =====================================================


Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
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Bouncing tit 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, October 13

So, how many of you tried to come up with more than 78 positions?

Enjoy!

(`v)
Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters ____________________________________________________ 2 "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'" ____________________________________________________ 3 A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just screwed me twice!" He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?" She says, "Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time." ____________________________________________________ 4 Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!" Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you, Thank you............Thank you very much!" ____________________________________________________ 5 A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms. He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked. "Miss it?" she said, "You were starring in it! After the bad guy drowned his wifee, you pissed on her!" ___________________________________________________ 6 Did you hear about the schoolboy who was studying Greek Mythology? When the teacher asked him to name something that was half-man and half-beast he replied, "Buffalo Bill." ___________________________________________________ 7 During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital, Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, MD. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M." An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel. "It's a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan. "There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden's son is still hiding there." ___________________________________________________ 8 According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular. =====================================================


Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!
====================================================== Click to subscribe to the full version! Enjoy! Ophelia
Free counters!
For more than one joke, plus the day's pictures and movie,
you have to subscribe to the full version.

Since July 1, 2011, the Ophelia Dingbatter's News is 2.7 cents per day,
$1 per month or $10 per year.

Can you afford $1 per month?

To subscribe,
1) If you are not signed up, sign up with the Double-Opt-In Subscriber,

2) Confirm, that your email address CAN receive mail from me,

3) That will get you the free subscption.
If you receive it OK, you can proceed to step #4.
If not, check your spam settings and with your ISP or email processor.
   Do NOT proceed to step #4 until you     
   successfully receive the free subscription!    


If the free subscription gets censored and does not make it through to you,
then the paid version will not make it through either.

   Do NOT complain to me,   
   if your spam setting or your ISP censors your email.  
   There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what   
   goes on at your ISP or in your computer.  


4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
THEN you can pay for your subscription to the full version at


You can pay easily and securely with PayPal,
even if you don't have a PayPal account.
Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

If you want to pay with a paper check, Webby will cash it for me.
Please send it to

Webby, inc
Box 646
Black Diamond, AB T0L 0H0
Canada

Please mark on it somewhere, that it is for Ophelia.
I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about
receiving your check.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


If the Subscriber buttons don't work on your browser,
you can accomplish the same with the donate button.

Ophelia Dingbatter
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Please help me stay online!
Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Please subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News
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     200545

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