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Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy had answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?" _____________________________________________________ 2 "I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce." "Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?" "I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first. "Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin." "It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago." _____________________________________________________ 3 A criminal lawyer, Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult circumstances. So it was he that Milliken hired when he was accused of grand theft auto. And it was Milliken who walked out of the courtroom a free man, after a lengthy trial and some brilliant footwork on Robinson's part. The very next day Milliken appeared in the chambers of the judge who had presided over his trial and demanded a warrant for Robinson's arrest. "Why on Earth do you want him arrested?" asked the judge. "He got you off, didn't he?" "Yeah," conceded Milliken, "but when I didn't have enough money to pay his fee, the son-of-a-bitch drove off in that car I had stolen!" _____________________________________________________ 4 A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him; 1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel, 2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and 3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it." The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom. "Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!" "Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?" "Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!" "What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?" "Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped." "Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped." "Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said. "And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!'" "WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?" "Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not." _____________________________________________________ 5 Little David was the recipient of a holster and a pair of toy six shooters on his birthday. He went to show off his new toys, in full cowboy regalia. He went to the local ice cream stand, drew his pistols and exclaimed "I want a sundae, and I want it NOW!" The waitress asked him "What flavor?" Little David replied, as he waved his guns "I want a chocolate sundae, and I want it NOW!" The waitress asked, " Do you want whipped cream on it?" Little David said "I want whipped cream on it, and I want it NOW!" The waitress asked, " Do you want a cherry on it?" Little David said "I want a cherry on it, and I want it NOW!" The waitress asked, " Do you want your nuts crushed or chopped?" Little David replied, "Do you want your tits shot off?" _____________________________________________________ 6 A footwear salesman, staying at a hotel, took a fancy to the housemaid. He offered her $25 for an hour in his room, but she replied that she wasn't a girl like that. She said that when she did it, it was just for love. Now he'd put her off and she couldn't get passionate even if she wanted to. The salesman happened to mention that he was selling shoes and had an extremely good sample pair. The girl gave in, and took the salesman upstairs where she stripped completely and lay back on the bed. The rep got going and was surprised and delighted to find the girl very responsive. First she wrapped her right arm around him, then her left leg, then her left arm and then her right leg. Of course her enthusiasm must have been due to his skill as a lover. "I thought you said you couldn't get worked up." said the rep rather smugly. "I'm not, I'm just trying on the shoes." ______________________________________________________ 7 A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy. The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with. Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?" Well that's a really personal question" she replied demurely, "But, if I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again." =====================================================




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Astrological after sex comments 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, July 21
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support 
for the troops! 

Enjoy!
Ophelia

Please vote for me at the EzineFinder
Ophelia Dingbatter Thanks for voting for me!
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 astrological after sex comments aries: "okay, let's do it again!" Taurus: "i'm hungry -- pass the pizza, please." Gemini: "have you seen the remote?" Cancer: "when are we getting married?" Leo: "wasn't I fantastic?" Virgo: "i need to wash the sheets." Libra: "i liked it if you liked it." Scorpio: "perhaps I should untie you." Sagittarius: "don't call me -- i'll call you." Capricorn: "do you have a business card?" Aquarius: "now let's try it with our clothes off!" Pisces: "what did you say your name was again?" _____________________________________________________ 2 there once was a girl from cape cod who thought all children came from god but it wasn't the almighty who got up her nightie. It was roger the lodger by god! _____________________________________________________ 3 harry and his wife are having rough financial times, so they both decide that she'll become a hooker until things smooth over a bit. She's not quite sure what to do so harry says, "just stand in front of that hundred bucks. If you've got a question, i'll be parked around the corner. Five minutes later a guy pulls up and says, "how much?" She replies, "a hundred dollars." Disappointed he says, "damn! All i've got is thirty." She thinks for a second and then says, "hold on." She runs back to harry and says, "what can he get for thirty dollars?" He tells her that she can give him a hand job. She runs back and tells the guy that all he can get for thirty bucks is a hand job. He agrees. He unzips his pants and pulls out this abnormally large cock. She stares at it for a minute and then says, "i'll be right back!" She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks? _____________________________________________________ 4 Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife fanny in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "what right have you got to be making love to my wife?" The man answered calmly, "you may as well know that I am in love with fanny and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If i lose, i'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?" "Okay," replied horowitz, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?" _____________________________________________________ 5 a biology major was taking a cell biology course. The task of the day was examining epithelial cheek cells under a microscope. They had to scrape the inside of their mouths with a toothpick and make a slide from it and record the different types of cells that were found. One girl in the class was having some trouble identifying some cells. She called the professor over to ask him. After a moment or two of peering in her scope, he looked up and said very quietly to her... "Those are not epithelial cheek cells... Those are sperm cells." _____________________________________________________ 6 a young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, i'm jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a t.V. Quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" " As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar? ______________________________________________________ 7 the bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards. "Turn over, cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her...... "This is a stick-up,... Not an office party!" =====================================================




Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
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She does it for a living 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, July 20

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Ophelia

Please vote for me at the EzineFinder
Ophelia Dingbatter Thanks for voting for me!
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A girl entered the family bathroom unexpected while her father was bathing. She let out a shriek, then ran out of the room. "Mommy, mommy! Daddy has a big, ugly snake in the tub with him!" the girl screamed. "It's not a snake, honey," her mother began to explain, "it's part of Daddy's body--an important part. In fact, if Daddy didn't have it, you wouldn't be here." As the child ran off to play, her mother thought to herself... "And neither would I." _____________________________________________________ 2 A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway." "OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business!" snapped the woman. "Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realize you do it for a living!" _____________________________________________________ 3 A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a blonde guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde. Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment." Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK." They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we goback to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle." He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you on my moped." _____________________________________________________ 4 A sex researcher called one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy. "Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, "you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several times per night.' How could this be correct?" "That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the house is paid off!" _____________________________________________________ 5 A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I fart," she cries. "Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible." The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly. "That's amazing, do it again." Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart. "Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end. The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do with that?" "Open the window, it stinks in here for kripes sake." _____________________________________________________ 6 A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it." ______________________________________________________ 7 Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the rightful owner could claim them. The first one starts to write out the sign, "FOUND: one pair of boys gym shorts..." "Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym shorts." "No they're not," says the first, "They're boys shorts!" The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no ... Definitely girls gym shorts!" The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boys shorts!", "No, girls shorts!", "Definitely boys shorts!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument. The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts!......... but not from my parish!" =====================================================




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Irish Boomerang 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, July 19

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 In the subway train the conversation turned to the pros and cons of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner -- a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then.." "Excuse me for interrupting, sir," said the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what was your sorry ass in prison for?" _____________________________________________________ 2 "David is the same as ever." gossiped his wife on the telephone. "All he ever thinks about all day long is sex... sex... sex." "Now that's just not true at all." called out David, relaxing in his recliner. "For the past half-hour, I've been laying here thinking about you." _____________________________________________________ 3 One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it, and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" The dad looked at her and said "Well, I don't think you should spank him." _____________________________________________________ 4 Mary: Years ago, I worked for a short while in a church office. Jill: Really? How was it? Mary: The job was fine; the pastor was a jerk. He criticized my work, my clothes, just everything about me. I quit after only three months. Jill: Wow! What an experience! Mary: Yeah, but to show I didn't have any hard feelings about the whole thing, I sent the preacher a gift subscription to a magazine. Jill: You did? Mary: Yep, I sent him a year of HUSTLER, in care of the church office. _____________________________________________________ 5 Peter's sitting in a coffee shop, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young lady looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me dinner." _____________________________________________________ 6 Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery. Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom. Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!" ______________________________________________________ 7 Q: Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? A: It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to =====================================================




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She gets the hickups 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, July 18

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Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 >From Liz MY DAUGHTERS and I had just moved into Building D in a large apartment complex. Soon afterward, we gave a "ladies only" lingerie-sales party for my daughters' friends. The party was well under way when there was a knock at the door. The young man standing there got a glimpse of attractive young women modeling bikinis and nightgowns, and his eyes widened. "A friend told me there might be a rental in Building G," he stammered. I told him he had the wrong address and gave him directions. A minute later I heard a tentative knock. It was the same young man. "Are there any vacancies in this building?" he asked. _____________________________________________________ 2 The young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage children's group. She worked hard at learning all the styles the young mothers wore and all foods the children like to eat. She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by. She even learned how to talk "young" learning all the buzz words and hip sayings. One day all this came to a screeching halt when, after serving the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of hormone dripping teenagers, "If anyone wants secs, just let me know. I'll be in the kitchen getting it ready." _____________________________________________________ 3 Two guys out for a walk notice a huge, black pit bull easily licking his balls. "Gee," says one, "I wish I could do that." Replies his buddy, "Yeah, tha'd be great. But don't you think maybe you should pet him a little first?" _____________________________________________________ 4 The pubescent girl is eating a big oatmeal cookie while getting her hair styled. "Now you're getting hair on your cookie," remarks the stylist. "Yes," answered the 14-year-old, "And my titties are getting bigger too!" _____________________________________________________ 5 A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims, "Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?" Her suprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get hiccups when I do it that way." _____________________________________________________ 6 A man was new in town and caught the flu, so he went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him three prescriptions. Before the man left the doctor's office, he asked for directions to the nearest pharmacy. The doctor said, "Go six blocks down and you will see a pharmacy on the left hand side." The man followed the doctor's directions and had no trouble finding the pharmacy. As he got out of his car, he noticed a gigantic sign which read: "The Giant Pharmacy where you get more for your money." He walked in and gave the pharmacist the three prescriptions. When his name was called, he noticed that the clerk placed a gigantic container of antibiotics on the counter, then had trouble picking up a huge bottle of cough syrup. The man became alarmed, and before the clerk walked away to bring the third prescription, he yelled "Excuse me sir..the suppositories -- I don't want them!!" ______________________________________________________ 7 A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis. "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother. "I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating. At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one." "And if I'm bad?" asked the little one. "Then," answered the mother, "You will have many." =====================================================




Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
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$1 per month or $10 per year. <br>
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<font color="#FF0000">Can you afford $1 per month?</font><br>
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To subscribe, <br>
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<br>
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&nbsp;&nbsp; There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what &nbsp;&nbsp; <br>
&nbsp;&nbsp; goes on at your ISP or in your computer.&nbsp;&nbsp; <br>
</b></font><br>
<br>
4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,<br>
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<br>
<br>
If you want to pay with a paper check, Webby will cash it for me.<br>
Please send it to<br>
<br>

Webby, inc<br>
Box 646<br>
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<br>
Please mark on it somewhere, that it is for Ophelia.<br>
I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about <br>
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<br>
Enjoy!<br>
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