If you pretend to be asleep 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?" "Beef tongue," replies the butcher! The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "Ewww! Gross! No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!" The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!" ____________________________________________________ 2 A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops." ____________________________________________________ 3 While working in the psychology department at Glen Oaks Community College in Centreville, MI, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, "Can I get something blown up down there?" After a pause the voice on the line replied, "I think you want the chemistry lab." ____________________________________________________ 4 A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." ____________________________________________________ 5 Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past. The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's last date: "You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type, " Faba declared. "What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?" Mujo asked with curiosity. "Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent," explained Faba to her friend. Mujo giggles, and asked, "So, how was it?" "First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out his penis." "What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology. "Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !" ___________________________________________________ 6 "So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you and taking pictures for his web site." ___________________________________________________ 7 Marty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking. "Imagine that, Marty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have." But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have." "OK, Sadie," said Marty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with you." Marty keeps to his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door. Marty shouts out, "What do you want?" Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again." ___________________________________________________ 8 A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, I'm pregnant." The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband and of course he readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well. After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual. In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for another two months, but then said, " I am definitely leaving this time." "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up after!" ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Hobosexual 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mom comes in and wakes Mary up and says, " How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess." "It must have been a lot better than that," says mom, " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling." ____________________________________________________ 2 The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note: "DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!" ____________________________________________________ 3 As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination." Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda." When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. It is now called the box office." ____________________________________________________ 4 "How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor. "Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us." "Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man." "You said it, doc," the man replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull." ____________________________________________________ 5 The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum fuck!" ___________________________________________________ 6 Yuppy definitions Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm! . Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with. Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife. Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six. Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man. Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government. ___________________________________________________ 7 Men Over 50 Men over 50 don't need reassurance. They often need Depends. Men over 50 are sure of themselves. It's their bodies that have serious doubts. Men over 50 are delighted to be seen with women in their 30s. Unless the women are wearing badges and uniforms, and have just slapped cuffs on you. Men over 50 no longer fight at the drop of a hat. They've learned it's hard enough to hit a toilet, much less an agile younger fellow who is kicking their butt. Men over 50 have seen it all. They ate and drank a lot of it, as their expanding waistlines prove. Men over 50 are sometimes tougher than nails. Bent nails, Rusty Nails. Toe Nails. Men over 50 like fast cars and loose women. What they actually have are loose cars and bad memories of fast women. Men over 50 like sizzling steaks and smooth whiskey. They usually need bran muffins and liquid fiber. Men over 50 like to sink their teeth in a challenge. Frequently, though, they are challenged to find their teeth in the sink. ___________________________________________________ 8 There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!" ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
=====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!
====================================================== Click to subscribe to the full version! Enjoy! Ophelia
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   if your spam setting or your ISP censors your email.  
   There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what   
   goes on at your ISP or in your computer.  


4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
THEN you can pay for your subscription to the full version at


You can pay easily and securely with PayPal,
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Please send it to

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Box 646
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I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about
receiving your check.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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Ophelia Dingbatter
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He paid for his sex 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 When a man and woman meet for the first time, various things go through their heads. The woman might be thinking, "Gee, he's not bad looking, and those are nice shoes he's got, he must have a decent job. I love his smile, and he seems to actually be listening to what I say, although if this is going to go anywhere we'll have to do something about that beard." And of course the man's thinking, "Gee, I'm twelve inches away from her boobs." ____________________________________________________ 2 During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop mentioned to the chief of police that the stress of the job was really starting to wear him down. The chief told the young policeman that whenever he was feeling too tense, he'd go home and screw the living hell out of his wife for about an hour, which always made him feel better and enabled him to return to work with a much better outlook. The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it sounded like good advice; he'd give it a try and see if it helped. The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how things were going. The new cop replied that, in fact, just that morning ha'd experienced extreme stress and had followed his boss's suggestion, with great success. He felt great. After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie abruptly halted at the door and said, "Oh, Chief, I almost forgot. Your wife asked me to tell you to pick up some lamb chops for dinner." ____________________________________________________ 3 A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet. Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into his tool bag. A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!" All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a, bright beet red. The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it. The woman never complained again. ____________________________________________________ 4 Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?" Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?" Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road the bus broke down. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it." Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and yousaid "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?" Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over." ____________________________________________________ 5 Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar show? " "Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you." ___________________________________________________ 6 A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "Why do you call your secretary a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient." "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her down." ___________________________________________________ 7 A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time." ___________________________________________________ 8 The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today." "Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer. "Yes, its true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mare wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today." ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
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Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
=====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!
====================================================== Click to subscribe to the full version! Enjoy! Ophelia
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Since July 1, 2011, the Ophelia Dingbatter's News is 2.7 cents per day,
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   Do NOT complain to me,   
   if your spam setting or your ISP censors your email.  
   There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what   
   goes on at your ISP or in your computer.  


4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
THEN you can pay for your subscription to the full version at


You can pay easily and securely with PayPal,
even if you don't have a PayPal account.
Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

If you want to pay with a paper check, Webby will cash it for me.
Please send it to

Webby, inc
Box 646
Black Diamond, AB T0L 0H0
Canada

Please mark on it somewhere, that it is for Ophelia.
I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about
receiving your check.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


If the Subscriber buttons don't work on your browser,
you can accomplish the same with the donate button.

Ophelia Dingbatter
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Please help me stay online!
Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Only with your wife 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Three truck drivers die and got to meet God for admittance. God asks the first driver if he had ever cheated on his log books, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied that he would never consider such conduct and that he was a good man. God told him to go stand on this big X on the floor. God asked the second driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied 'Oh No I would never do any such thing" God told him to stand next to the first driver on the X. God then asked the third driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He explained that as much as he regretted it he had falsified his log book, and taken some little white pills because there was the cutest little blonde honey in Dallas that he had ever seen. At this point God pressed a button and the first two drivers fell through a hole that opened under them. The third driver, startled, asked what happens now? God said "well those two liars are going to Hell and you and me are going to Dallas. ____________________________________________________ 2 The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion Shot with a .416 rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye? His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around abit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe!!! ____________________________________________________ 3 A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. ____________________________________________________ 4 There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. ____________________________________________________ 5 An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night. "What about my sex life?" asked the old man "Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited." ___________________________________________________ 6 Two bored, male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the, dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." ___________________________________________________ 7 Jill, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her. "Where are you going?" asks Jill. "I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention." Later, Jill's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the flight?" he asks. "Oh, fine," says Jill. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for." "Why'd you feel sorry for him?" "He didn't have any testicles." "What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?" "Because," says Jill, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention." ___________________________________________________ 8 A teacher called Mrs. Franny, arrived at school on her first day. She met with the school's principal, who greeted her with, "Good Morning Mrs. Fanny." Mrs Franny sighed. "It's not Fanny, it's Franny. Oh God, I hope all the students don't start calling me Mrs. Fanny." The principal saw how upset Mrs. Franny was about the mix up with her name, and was determined not to make the mistake again. He led Mrs. Franny down to her classroom, to introduce her to her class. As he did this, he kept repeating over in his head, "Don't forget to say the R! Don't forget to say the R!" Finally, they reached the classroom, and the principal introduced the new teacher to the class. "Good morning students. This is Mrs. Crunt." ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A man was brought up on charges of bigamy. The judged looked at the docket and said, "Good God, man! You're charged with marrying six women. How could you do such a thing?" "Hey, judge, gimme a break," the man replied. "I was only trying to find a good one." ____________________________________________________ 2 A young uneducated black man applied for a job in an office. After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies. One asked, "How'd it go?" The guy answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted to see my testimonials. So I showed 'em and she freaked. There went da job." ____________________________________________________ 3A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest to discuss birth control, since they already had five children. The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable substitute in the eyes of the Church. The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted act and a sin; totally banned according to their faith. The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules!" ____________________________________________________ 4 An Hispanic in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days. When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss accured over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts. The Hispanic was heard to mutter as he left the station . . . . . " Damn Canadians". ____________________________________________________ 5 One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?" "Milk!" answered Little Johnny. "No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher. "Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!" ___________________________________________________ 6 "David was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother. "And why not?" asked David. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" David said nothing. The brother grew impatient, "Come on David, I want a nephew. David, make me an uncle." David couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honour." "Well congratulations, you're holding him." ___________________________________________________ 7 A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name, Bubba. He went to court and changed his name. The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?" He said, "Candy." The judge replied, "Candy? "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?" "Yes thats right, your honor." said Bubba The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy." He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?" He said, "It's me! She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked." He said, "It's not Bubba." She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice." He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it." She asked, "what it is?" He said, "Guess." She said, "Leroy?" He answered, "No." She said, "Johnny?" He answered, "No." She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in." He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth. "Oh!... Come on in, Dick." ___________________________________________________ 8 All over the bed we did roam I swear from my mouth I did foam I was just fit to pop When we both had to stop.. As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!" ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
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Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
=====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!
====================================================== Click to subscribe to the full version! Enjoy! Ophelia
Free counters!
For more than one joke, plus the day's pictures and movie,
you have to subscribe to the full version.

Since July 1, 2011, the Ophelia Dingbatter's News is 2.7 cents per day,
$1 per month or $10 per year.

Can you afford $1 per month?

To subscribe,
1) If you are not signed up, sign up with the Double-Opt-In Subscriber,

2) Confirm, that your email address CAN receive mail from me,

3) That will get you the free subscption.
If you receive it OK, you can proceed to step #4.
If not, check your spam settings and with your ISP or email processor.
   Do NOT proceed to step #4 until you     
   successfully receive the free subscription!    


If the free subscription gets censored and does not make it through to you,
then the paid version will not make it through either.

   Do NOT complain to me,   
   if your spam setting or your ISP censors your email.  
   There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what   
   goes on at your ISP or in your computer.  


4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
THEN you can pay for your subscription to the full version at


You can pay easily and securely with PayPal,
even if you don't have a PayPal account.
Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

If you want to pay with a paper check, Webby will cash it for me.
Please send it to

Webby, inc
Box 646
Black Diamond, AB T0L 0H0
Canada

Please mark on it somewhere, that it is for Ophelia.
I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about
receiving your check.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


If the Subscriber buttons don't work on your browser,
you can accomplish the same with the donate button.

Ophelia Dingbatter
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Please help me stay online!
Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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