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Good Morning It's Friday, September 3, 2010 Once it warmed up today, we had a gorgeous day. We had a big discussion today at my neioghbor's BBQ about Laptops and Netbooks. I had told anybody and everybody, who would stand still long enough, that they should NOT buy those small and slightly cheaper netbooks for their kids. Well, guess what they did? They had all decided to not listen to a Blonde, and four neihgbors had bought Netbooks for their kids. And guess what happened? Four neighbors are squinting and cussing at little netbooks and getting cramps in their hands, while their kids are using Mom's or Dad's big laptop for school stuff. And probably games. After all, they got to beat dad at Farmville and Mom at Mafia. But the official excuse of course is "school stuff". Now I got a question for YOU! Which font color do you like better? Brown like in the top half, or navy like in the bottom half? Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." --- Mark Twain Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Arthur. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney, by double registered mail. He then went up to visit his friend Arthur and said, "Arthur, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name, and give her my business card, instead of yours?" Arthur's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" 
Farmville Guide
If you play Farmville, you might as well win and get ahead!
WAY ahead!
Stop guessing and get the Real Farmville Guide!
I used to work at the local cable company. Back then we had to order Pay Per View movies manually for our customers. One day, a man called in to order the adult programming (of course this was my very first adult pay-per-view). It was obvious that he was embarrassed and wanted to get off of the phone as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, my computer would not process the order for about 5 minutes. Finally, after being very flustered and anxious to be done myself, the order went through. I just needed to confirm the order. Relieved and without thinking, I said, "Thank you sir, just let me know when you get it up." He didn't miss a beat and replied, "How much time do you have? Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!" Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about declining health?" Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't afford cigarettes!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Thursday, September 2, 2010 Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. A lawyer dies on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!" "Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 760 years old." "But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I was shot on my 40th birthday!." "That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up the time you billed." Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not," said Dave, "They don't get stuck in a sand trap!" Ken sent this. 
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Spider Rock, Chelly Canyon - Arizona, USA
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Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I must remember to be in MY car, and not in hers." Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, "So, what do you hunt?" Kurt answered "I hunt unicorns." Paul was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?" Kurt replied, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." Kurt said, "Yes, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Wednesday, September 1, 2010 Combat in Iraq, which actually ended after the surge in 2007, is now officially over. Good! Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. The young secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry." A man called into a local radio station and told the 'morning guys' that his wife had given him an ultimatum: Until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex from her. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" His reply: "Probably until my girlfriend dies." Ken sent this. 
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The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a hooker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes." "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number." A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Tuesday, August 30, 2010 Sure is getting cold at night! I don't remember frost in August since the 70's. So, who has the guts to bet on this winter's weather? I am betting that it will be cold early, warm up for Christmas, and get cold again at or shortly after New Years. Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife. He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water." She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!" He replied, with a big grin, "Great!" Astrological After Sex Comments Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!" Taurus: "Are you hungry too? I'll get some pizza." Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?" Cancer: "When are we getting married?" Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?" Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets." Libra: "I liked it if you liked it." Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you." Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you." Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?" Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!" Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?" 
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Last time Bill was in the hospital, he really enjoyed himself: Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses, offering to show them his circumcision scar, and the like. One nurse finally had all she could stand of his crude behavior and said, "A pervert like you should be living in a whore house!" Bill grinned at her and said, "Well, it WOULD be a lot cheaper than here, but I can't get my insurance to pay for it." After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman. "Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Monday, August 30, 2010 The cops sure are filling their quotas in the school zones! So, watch out! Also keep an eye out for new Playground zone signs, extending beyond the school zones. The same rules apply for those as for school zones. Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. A classic A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "Porsche! Near New! $500" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?" "Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money'." If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be wanted by... the FDA for turning water into wine without a license, the EPA for killing fig trees, the AMA for practicing medicine without a license, the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness, the NEA for teaching without a certificate, OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane, the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea, the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life, and by the ZONING DEPT for building mansions without a permit. ----------- He wouldn't be nailed to a cross, but lawyers and the media sure would make a mint! 
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din-din ?
Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
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Three nuns were standing on a corner one evening collecting for the cause. Across the street there happened to be the local whore house. They happened to notice that Pastor Jones of the Protestant community sneaking into the place and one of the nuns whispered to the others, "If only his flock knew he was going into a wicked place to commit sin...they would be outraged!" A bit later, Rabbi Rabinowitz was seen sneaking in and the nun said to her sisters, "If only the Jewish community knew their Rabbi was in there committing sin with wicked women, they would be outraged!" A little while later, Father Flannigan was observed by them sneaking into the same whore house. "Oh dear," exclaimed the nun, "someone must be very sick in there for them to call the dear Father out at this late hour." The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle. After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'. The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Sunday, August 29, 2010 Made a good haul from the farmers market, and spent the rest of the day out on the porch cleaning, cutting and bagging the veggies. I would not want to do that all day every day, but it sure feels good to see a full freezer! Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to add a couple of days, since it invigorates and boosts circulation. "I can't," says the woman. "Those other nights I'm home with my husband and have a headache." A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless. "Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts. "Well, son, "she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven," Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mummy, mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!" "What do you mean?" says his mother. "Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Dad's trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, "God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!" 
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Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism,
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis,
and more!
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
A Chinese couple is in bed. The wife says:"I wann 69.! Hhusband replied: "Why you wann Beef and Bloccoli now?" Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people, who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Saturday, August 28, 2010 Got the freezer ready, and the pantry, cleaned the truck, and I am going to hit the farmers markets with my coin jug today. Well, actually, I am going to exchange the coins for paper money at the grocery store first. They got a machine for dumping the coins in and getting paper money out. Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me to have wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat." Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!" The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here." Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he does as the doctor says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!!" 
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Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism,
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis,
and more!
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen. "What can I help you with?" he asked. She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?" "Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis." "I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?" The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis." "I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12"-14" behind the head of the penis?" He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my butt." Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk cleaning his dick with his tongue. One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that." The other man replies, "You probably can, but you probably should pet him a bit first."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Friday, August 27, 2010 Cleaned out my freezer today to make room for what I hope to get at the Farmer's Market tonight or tomorrow. Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day, when they were standing in line together, that all she had ever wanted in life was four animals. My friend, who has a large dog, and a big heart for strays said, "Oh really, what kind of animals do you want?" The little old lady replied, "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it!" A man went to church one day and afterward, he stopped to shake the priest's hand. He said, "Father, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned fine!" The priest said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The priest said, "Hot Damn! No shit?" 
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Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism,
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis,
and more!
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station. "Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great. When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck. When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife. Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life! When Bell #1 goes off, we are going to strip naked. When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed. When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!". The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?" The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!" An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?' She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?' She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection. The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, 'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.'
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Wednesday, August 25, 2010 Replaced the sparker on my Barbecue today, after I heard what happened to a guy down the road. He wasn't happy with slicing a fire cracker or cherry bomb, sticking the fuse out through the lighting hole, and lighting that, like most of us here in this trailer court do. He got hold of an old taser and wired that to his BBQ sparker. Judging by the screaming and cussing, he won't ever try THAT again. A new sparker button kit only cost me $4.95, so I sold the rest of the box of firecrackers to the Sheriff's wife for $25. Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. A pretty lady was visiting the new doctor in town for the first time. She found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that you are used to the complete eye examination, not just the short one I had scheduled you for. I better cancel all other appointments for the rest of the afternoon." A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's pate while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's butt." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec also felt his gleaming head. "You're right," he said, "it does! She sure does have a smooth one." 
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Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism,
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis,
and more!
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
The college professor was trying to demonstrate a project on his computer to four coeds helping him edit a newsletter. He was having problems with the computer, so the ladies went over to the lounge until he could get the program pulled up. The Dean was a little shocked when he walked in the door and heard one of the coeds shouting down the hallway, "Hurry up and get in here, girls, the professor finally got it up!" Comic relief is when you add a touch of humor to an otherwise serious situation, like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Wednesday, August 25, 2010 Terrible weather, somewhere else, far away. But because I have been behaving, we had gorgeous summer weather. I guess somebody up above wanted to see me sun tanning. So I did! The entire lunch hour and some more in the evening. Hopefuly YOUR weather is just as nice! Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. Doc: "George, you're a 71-year-old man and may have lost interest in sex. There is nothing that I as your doctor can do to help you." George: "You are absolutely right, Doc, but your nurse sure could!" Three Englishmen had a very late night drinking Guiness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog." 
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Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...". The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you, Team 1 at the FireHall". I hate sex in movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Tuesday, August 24, 2010 Summer is back! I might get a tan yet! Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something." "Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the husband asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not that I know of," she answered. "Why? "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed." Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time." Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young. Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time." Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly. After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks. "I'm here to have a good time!" The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye. When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?" "I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted! Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?" "Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one! 
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Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet
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Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis,
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Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others, "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I bit her. Now they are going to put me to sleep." The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep." The Great Dane said "My owner is a beautiful sixty seven year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I jumped on her back and had my way with her." "So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others. "No...., I'm here to have my nails clipped!" During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Monday, August 23, 2010 Smoke is all gone. It didn't just drift away. A mighty hail storm followed by a downpour cleaned up in a hurry. The hail, of course plugged up the storm sewers and the underpasses were swimming holes within minutes. Much fun was had by all, especially the tow truck drivers. Enjoy! Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. There's a woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we." Charlie and George were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. Charlie said to George, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older." "What do you mean?" asked George. "Well," replied Charlie, "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!" "Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered. "Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches," he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years." 
Trumpeter
Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
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What a Woman Says: This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, And if we don't do laundry right now You'll have no clothes to wear." What a Man Hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES. Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy. "She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to pay attention to me," he said. "She never says anything to me, I don't think she knows I'm alive." "Well," his father responded, "the best way to get her attention is to go up to her and pay her a compliment. Try saying something nice about her clothing, and she will remember you fondly. Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to start a conversation with a pretty girl." The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the playground. "Hey Suzy," he said, "That is sure a pretty sweater you are wearing. Where'd you get one with the knobs on it?" Without blinking an eye she replied, "The same place you got your pants with the gear shift."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Sunday, August 22, 2010 The smoke is getting a bit tiresome after more than a week. It is so thick that often you can't tell where the sun is, and it sure shortens the daylight hours! The forest fire smoke doesn't stop the planes from coming in, but often they have to wait 2-3 hours before it is clear enough, so that they can see far enough down the runway to be able to chance a take-off. I had thought that if they can land by instruments, they could take off that way too, but apparently not. Oh, well. The smoke deposits ash onto the fields. That's metals and minerals, that the plants need to build nutrients. Enjoy! Ophelia
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"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring some excitement and will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that seven times ...it never worked." The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He suggested special shoes with built-up heels to help the man's ego. The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life with the shoes. "Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets too dirty." 
Italian Baby Bottle
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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked. "Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth!" Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. Every day he gave me a $20 bill and told me to go for a hike!" One summer, the company that Andrew worked for transferred him to another city. Andrew was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor to continue to be employed. All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Andrew had the smallest penis he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doctor asked. "Not at all" Andrew said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and we have a great sex life. But I must admit I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime." "What about at night?" the doctor asked. "Nights are no problem," Andrew said, "because at night, there are two of us looking for it!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Friday, August 20, 2010
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A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act of love- making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The boy was silent through-out the confrontation. The officer arrested them both anyway. The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon. There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take three lemons and three limes, squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." 
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Pastafarians in Warsaw
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A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing. When her daughter picked her up, she was very upset. The following conversation ensued: Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate? Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something? Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think? Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed? Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented! Daughter: I don't have any FDS. Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment... Granddaughter: Grandma! That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray! Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved fom horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?" "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!" "Why?" his father asked. "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Friday, August 20, 2010
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Ophelia
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A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents. That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm. The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on top of his wife and did his best. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!" Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and tried again. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!" So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!" From Sandie Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful And look at the price!' The first one says, with w ide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, the youngesr redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' The second redneck replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday! " 
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Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism,
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As an attendant at an exclusive golf club, my work includes welcoming guests to the course and loading bags in and out of vehicles. I'm the only female on the staff, and I work with eight teenage boys. One day a golfer drove up in a yellow Lamborghini. Three of the teens rushed to help him. Later, they gushed about their conversation with the man, who told them he owned three of the Italian sports cars. "Really?" I replied. "What line of work is he in?" "We didn't talk about that," said one of the boys. "We only asked if he has a daughter." Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show event as I flipped through the channels. The dog on the screen at the time was a white English sheepdog. It was simply a mound of fur with four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look at the animal's eyes. The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has to have its eyes checked to make sure they're the right shape, color, etc., etc. Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes. 'Cuz if you start combing through hair and you only see ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong end of the dog."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Thursday, August 19, 2010
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Ophelia
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An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his slovenly wife. "She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my own and I wish she was dead." The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It isn't an offense, after all. So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and kept her there the whole weekend. By the time Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came home that night the house was spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy see-through nightie on. "You see, darling," she purred. "Treat me right and I'll treat you right." The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase." 
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That's good enough for wall paper!
Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
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One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. Inside, there are dirty dishes piled to the rafters. Obviously that game had been played for a very long time. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!" A sweet little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, "That's sure a pretty dress you're wearing." The little girl smiled, "Thank you, Sir. My mama bought it for me. This is my dog Porky." The old man chuckled, "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you called him that." She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't." He laughed, "You call him Porky because he's so fat." She shook her head. "No Sir, we call him porky, because he fucks pigs."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Wednesday, August 18, 2010
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Ophelia
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I was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?" "When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start screaming. Someone from our office will be along shortly." There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!" 
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SIT!
The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground! As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. "Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were once tall Slobovians with all the shit scared out of them!"
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It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students. "What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie. "Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered. "That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?" "Me and my family rode our bikes together." "That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to Little Johnny in the corner of the room. "What did you do this summer, Little Johnny?" "Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly. "Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, to try to draw Little Johnny out. "Yes." "Did you go to the beach?" "No." "Did you ride bikes?" "No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!" "Why not?" said the shocked teacher? "I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "but dad always says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town." Classifieds: - A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. - The hotel has howling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Tuesday, August 17, 2010
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Ophelia
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According to John, Viagra has some side effects that cause headaches. He said every time he takes some, Amy, his wife instantly gets a head ache. Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported. Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side." 
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Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B." The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?" The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off. The one man turns to his friend and says, "Somehow I doubt she has ever heard a rhino fart underwater!"
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"Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on the future. One says to the other: You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at me grave. The other friend responds: That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of Irish whiskey over me grave. The friend responds: That I'll do. But about the Irish whiskey............ would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first? We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Ms Gina Presscock is a Defective in the Air Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Gina is a Presscock in the Air Farce."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Monday, August 16, 2010
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I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia
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A True Story... When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?; "A penis", replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. De Gaulle leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'. " An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." 
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From Dixie My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for awhile. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear. When it did not, my thoughtful seven- year-old gave me a hug. "It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."
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You might think about this one the next time you have to go to the doctor. There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had aken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. As you can imagine, the room erupted in laughter, WITH the old dude. Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave." The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb." Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm." The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Sunday, August 15, 2010
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Ophelia
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Finally having scraped enough money together for a trip to the Bahamas, Todd arrived only to learn that the hotel at which he wanted to stay, the St. Regis, charged $200 a day. Although that included a continental breakfast, the pool and free golf, he simply couldn't afford that much money. Dragging his gear around town, he finally found a hotel every bit as nice but only cost $50 a day. Settling in, he decided to get in a few rounds of golf before sunset. Bringing his clubs to the hotel course, he went to buy a three-pack of balls from the Pro Shop. "That will be $100," said the man behind the counter. "What?" screamed Todd. "That's outrageous! They're free at the St. Regis!" "Yes," said the man, "but at the St. Regis they get you by the rooms." The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, " Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: 1) you have a dirty little mind, 2) you didn't read your homework 3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." 
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A 75-year-old lady tells her husband that she should go to a doctor and have a physical. Her husband agrees. She makes an appointment with a gynecologist, and tells him about not having a checkup in over 25 years. The physician tells her to get undressed, put on the gown then he will examine her. The doctor proceeds with the exam. He lifts her right breast and tells her to say 99. She obliges and says, "99." "I see nothing wrong there," he says. He then lifts her left breast and tells her, "Say 99." She replies "99." Then he says, "Okay with this one too. We will now do a pelvic exam. Lay flat down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups." The doctor puts on rubber gloves and some KY jelly on the gloves and is checking her private parts for any sign of lumps, etc. He then says to her, "Say 99." She says, "One, two, three..."
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"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck. When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths." "Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!" The Five Most Dangerous Things in the US Navy" A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..." A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..." A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..." A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..." A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Saturday, August 14, 2010
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Ophelia
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While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world. And then He made the earth round. Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes his dick to the unsuspecting ladies. Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, was too far away to reach it. 
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!".
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A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied. ------- There sure are! Rise up and put your elbows on the table. What do you think Millions of Canadians do during periods between hockey games? Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's? A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of your beer, than to forget where you left it! ------- SMOREPLAY: What Smurfs do before they smuck.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Friday, August 13, 2010
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Ophelia
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that twenty minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians around here ride bareback." The operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance. The call went like this: Telecom: How may we help you? Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I haffing an affair! Telecom: Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this? Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before. I need to trace these calls please. Telecom: Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number. Customer: This one is. Telecom: What phone do you have, Sir? Customer: A mobile. I tell you this. Telecom: No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands? Customer: An erection. After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued. Telecom: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me? Customer: For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection. Another moment's silence from Telecom, and suddenly the penny dropped. Telecom: Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me? Customer: For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A...R. Salulah. ---------- Yeah, right. And the following week his wife called, complaining about some woman by the name of Lucille constantly calling her hubby. L..O..C..E..L..L, Lucille 
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Just friends!
The hillbilly couple (Zeke and Emmy Lou) got married and had a new baby every year or less. After their 13th baby was born, the couple told the Dr. that they were going to stop having babies as soon as they figured out what was causing them. The doctor suggested to Zeke that he try covering the organ before they made love. Sure enough, in a short time Emmy Lou was pregnant again and the doctor asked Zeke if he tried covering his organ like he had suggested they do. Zeke said, "We don't have an organ, Doc, but we did throw a blanket over the TV."
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During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop mentioned to the chief of police that the stress of the job was really starting to wear him down. The chief told the young policeman that whenever he was feeling too tense, he'd go home and screw the living hell out of his wife for about an hour, which always made him feel better and enabled him to return to work with a much better outlook. The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it sounded like good advice; he'd give it a try and see if it helped. The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how things were going. The new cop replied that, in fact, just that morning ha'd experienced extreme stress and had followed his boss's suggestion, with great success. He felt great. After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie abruptly halted at the door and said, "Oh, Chief, I almost forgot. Your wife asked me to tell you to pick up some lamb chops for dinner." A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner saw him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your pussy before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Thursday, August 12, 2010
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Ophelia
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer,"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employee womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Burl, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Burl was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500? Burl: I might be interested. Let me think it over. He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day. Burl: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. 2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result. The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition. Burl: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500. 
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A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents. "I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater." --------- That's almost as good as the guy who said at the wedding: "I take thee, as my waffle bedded wife."
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What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. ----------- While on that topic, How do you get 50 old ladies to scream "F**k!" ? Have one of them yell "Bingo!" An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol." The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess and said with a wink, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Wednesday, August 11, 2010
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Ophelia
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The wise never marry, And when they marry, they become otherwise. Success is a relative term. It brings too many relatives. Patient says, "Kiss me doctor!" Doctor said, "I can't, as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I probably shouldn't be having sex with you either." 
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An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess." "It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her.Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her, that the war is over?"
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A woman goes on a game show trying to win the top prize of $50,000. She keeps answering question after question, and the prize money keeps building up. Finally she gets to the last question and the host says, "Okay, now. For fifty thousand dollars, here is your final question: What are the three most important parts of a man's body?" Suddenly the buzzer sounds. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the host, "our time is up for today. We'll have to come back next week and ask you that question again. If you can answer it correctly, though, you will win fifty thousand dollars!" So the woman goes home that night, and her husband is really excited. "Wow, honey!" he exclaims as he hugs her. "You did great! That was fantastic! And just wait until next week! We'll win fifty thousand dollars!" So the wife says to him, "Well, tell me, honey. What are the three most important parts of a man's body?" The husband answers, "It's the head, the heart, and the penis." "Oh, okay," she says. "Great!" So for the next few days, the husband keeps testing her with the question. She's in the shower when he suddenly sticks his head in around the curtain and barks, "What are the three most important parts of a man's body?" She quickly replies, "HEAD, HEART, AND PENIS!" "Great!" says the husband. All week long he keeps testing her, asking her at the strangest moments, and trying to catch her off guard. But she always gets the right answer. Finally the big night arrives, and she is very excited as she arrives at the television studio. The lights go on, and soon as they go on the air, the host says to her, "All right! You've had a week to prepare! Now.for fifty thousand dollars.what are the three most important parts of a man's body?" The studio audience falls to a hush. The hot bright lights are shining down, the cameras push in for a close up, and the woman starts to get flustered. "U"...um...um...the...the...uh...the HEAD!" "That's ONE!" says the host. "Uh.uh.uh," stammers the woman, "uh.the HEART!" The host shouts out, "That's TWO!" Now the woman is so nervous that she can hardly think. "Oh, I know it, I know it," she says, "it's right on the tip of my tongue.I could spit it out.it's been drilled into me all week." The host says, "Aaah, that's close enough. You win!" A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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Good Morning It's Tuesday, August 10, 2010
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Ophelia
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- You’re in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" It's been determined that it's a bad idea to give chocolate to a woman with PMS. Or go near her. It can worsen the condition. However, it's an even WORSE idea to try to take AWAY chocolate from a woman with PMS. 
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One day 3 guys got stranded on an island. They were captured by cannibals. They begged for their life, so the king cannibal said ok I will give you 2 trials. I'll tell you the first one and the second one later. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind. So they set off. Later the first guy came with 10 apples. The king replies ok now you have to shove them up your ass without flinching or anything. So he shoves the first on up but the second one he flinches so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The second guys comes and the king tells him the 2nd trial. He has berries. He shoves 9 up his ass and on the last one he laughs so they eat him and he goes to heaven . The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven. The first guy says to the second guy why did you laugh? You coulda lived! The second guy says I was fine until I saw the third guy with showing up with 10 pineapples.!
Last day. I am not donating space if nobody is interested.
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The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do people always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid comparison and criticism." ------------- The last (only ?) virgin in Hungaria has her virginity for sale: Virginity for sale The original sale was closed down by eBay, after the bidding had topped $158,000, but will reopen on Hungarian television this week. THE TEXAN TEST 1) Which of the following foods should be fried? a) all foods b) all foods c) all foods d) all foods 2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister or cousin? True False 3) What is 8 + 3 ? a) what? b) the number of people living in your trailer home c) fertilizer d) The number eight, Jesus, and the number three 4) I will cheat on my husband... a) for a quart of Bud b) not for all the chewing tobacco in the world c) because he cheats on our daughter d) if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove 5) I wash my underwear when... a) I go swimming with it on b) I wash my truck c) it gets brittle d) it rains 6) I brush my teeth when... a) I wash my truck b) they bleed c) it rains d) Never. I don't have teeth 7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard? a) 15-20 b) 21-25 c) 26-30 d) beer 8) My favorite book is... a) TV Guide b) Jaws c) Bob Barker's Bio d) What is a book? 9) Country music is so great because... a) it makes me cry b) it goes good with fried food c) they play it at all our favorite truck stops d) Black people can't dance to it 10) Nothing is more intellectually stimulating than... a) Oprah b) okra c) a V8 engine d) greased up goats 11) Cholesterol is... a) monster truck fuel b) a laxative c) a communist effort to overthrow Texas d) outboard oil 12) Complete the sentence: "That ole boy a) is slipperier than snot on a door knob." b) is tougher than prison bacon." c) is uglier than a mud fence." d) is one little fork short of a fondue party" 13) Women should... a) never clean house unless they're naked b) put gravy on everything c) cost less d) bait their own hook 14) Ceiling fans should ... a) clear your hairdo in all weather b) safely let you hoop your legs over for position 64 c) not start automatically (see 14 b) and NOT with the neighbor's remote control either! d) not be used for hanging deer fer butcherin 15) Trucks should ... a) have a bench seat b) have mosquito netting on the back winder c) have deer lights d) have a couple of plug-in coolers in the back.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------()-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\\---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------//------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | ||
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