He does it for free 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 An accident really uncanny, Befell an unfortunate granny. She sat down in a chair While her false teeth were there, And bit herself right in the fanny! ____________________________________________________ 2 Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a woman he had been after for quite a while. When she finally consented to go out with him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening he could. He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove out to the beach. Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for this date and brought out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a bottle of the finest wine. The moonlight was shining down on them and Little Johnny poured his date some wine. He handed her the glass, looked lovingly in to her eyes and said, "Now this is what I call romantic. The waves crashing on the shore, the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical breeze, a bottle of wine.....," he takes a sip of wine and says, "Oh and by the way...do you Spit or swallow? ____________________________________________________ 3 Did you hear about Trish? She ...Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him. ...Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble. ...Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute. ...Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period. ...Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control. ...Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed. ...Thought that "Moby Dick" was a veneral disease. ...Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass. ...Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard. ...Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains. ...Studied 5 days for a urine test. ...Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas. ...Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke". ...Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss. ...Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions. ...Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork. ____________________________________________________ 4 My ex- girlfriend has a picture of a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean. ____________________________________________________ 5 An Irish cop stopped a speeding car. The driver was a priest. Putting away his citation book, the cop said, "Father, I just stopped you to tell you there's a Protestant cop up the road a ways." ___________________________________________________ 6 Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. Please take off all your clothes." Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday." Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me." ___________________________________________________ 7 >From DW My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope! I do this for free." ___________________________________________________ 8 Bill saved for years and years for his dream vacation - a weekend in Nevada, where prostitution was legal. However, since he worked for barely minimum wage, the years stretched into decades and he was ninety-one when he got off the bus in Reno in front of a glitzy bordello. Buffalo tottered up to the front desk. "Isn't this Reno's famous Pleasure Palace?" he asked. "Why, yes," replied the incredulous receptionist. "How may I help you?" "Don't you have the most beautiful girls in town lined up and waiting?" Bill quavered. The receptionist nodded. "Well, I'm here to get some." "How old are you, Pops?" she asked bluntly. "I'm ninety-one." "Ninety-one! Pops, you've had it." "Oh, really?" A disconcerted look passed over the old man's face as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "What do I owe you?" ====================================================
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Her name is too long for his d... 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, March 18


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," Jill stated irately to Lin. "You didn't do it, did you?" asked Lin. "I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add," Jill replied. "What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband that the rent is paid up for six months!" ____________________________________________________ 2 She lay there spread eagle in bed, Her eyes were rolled back in her head. Not a sign of resentment, Only total contentment, Not screwed, she's been eaten instead ____________________________________________________ 3 He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead. Her husband said, "Vi, When you stitched up his torn fly, Did you have to bite off the thread?" ____________________________________________________ 4 A young guide took a man hunting. The man got a good share of ground squirrels but, unhappy with the lack of real sport, said, "Young fella, take me where there's some action. There's some danger in going after cougar, or puma, or bear." The young man said, "If you're looking for danger, you ought to go out hunting with my dad. Last week he shot my uncle!" ____________________________________________________ 5 Him: "I woke up with a hard-on this morning, and it had your name written all over it." Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your dick." Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?" Her: "Lu." ___________________________________________________ 6 Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Porsche, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "we are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and he dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued. "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Porsche, and a stock portfolio." ___________________________________________________ 7 The following is a (supposedly) true story, as seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish T.V. Channel: The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name forward for a surprise game show. She idolized teen-age pop star Ricky Martin, and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom - all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise. However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty, the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a tin of pate - at this stage the live TV audience is wondering, "What the hell is going on?" She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch). As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles down to his favorite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed". At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very embarrassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience!! Consequently, sales of tinned pate have sky rocketed. ___________________________________________________ 8 While making her rounds, the Head Nurse noticed a young female patient missing. Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's the patient in 340?" "Oh!" came the reply. "Well... she was complaining of severe chills, so I put her in bed with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running that high fever." ====================================================
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=====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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====================================================== Click to subscribe to the full version! Enjoy! Ophelia
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   Do NOT complain to me,   
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   There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what   
   goes on at your ISP or in your computer.  


4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
THEN you can pay for your subscription to the full version at


You can pay easily and securely with PayPal,
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Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

If you want to pay with a paper check, Webby will cash it for me.
Please send it to

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I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about
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Enjoy!
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Fishing lies 
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, March 17




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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word." "Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?" "It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' " ____________________________________________________ 2 DUBLIN, Ireland - A nursing home in Ireland has hit on a cheering way to keep up the spirits of its elderly patients -- by providing its own pub. St Marys Hospital in County Monaghan, near the Irish border with Northern Ireland, believes ready access to a good pint may help its patients -- average age 85 -- actually live longer. We would say the whole social aspect of life does extend the years -- it means the patients arent bored to death, Rose Mooney, assistant director of nursing told Reuters. The pub, which opens at 11 a.m. and closes at 9 p.m. and charges normal bar prices, had also led to an increase in the number of visitors, she said. Having its own bar made the hospital, which has around 140 patients, unique in Ireland, she added. ____________________________________________________ 3 Billie, <--@name-->, Janet and Bo Derek were all traveling somewhere in the same train compartment. After several minutes of the trip, the train passed through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When the train emerged from the tunnel, Billie had a big red hand print on his cheek. Janet thought: "That dirt-bag Billie laid his hands on Bo Derek and she slapped him." Bo Derek thought: "I bet that sleazy Bilie tried to touch me, but put his hand on Janet by mistake . . . and she slapped him." Billie thought: "<--@name--> must have put a hand on Bo Derek and she slapped me by mistake." <--@name--> thought: "I hope we go through another tunnel soon, so I can smack Billie again." ____________________________________________________ 4 >From Martin Danny said to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf." ----------------------- Hmmm, missed that one. I thought he was going to say "Women!". Personally, I never had time for golf. ____________________________________________________ 5 Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life, --- and give up me Irish Whiskey." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord, I found one." ___________________________________________________ 6 The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so long to get something over here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these rude interruptions sure wouldn't be helping, if he was doing what you suspect him of doing. However, he's out on the balcony exchanging fishing lies with my dad." ___________________________________________________ 7 Here is a St Pat's day Classic: An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace O this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, this sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again,"Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!" ___________________________________________________ 8 They were burying Irish Pat today and the Irish Priest was explaining to the congregation that before they could put Pat to rest, someone had to get up and say something nice about Pat, even though Pat was a womanizer, a drunk and a fighter. No one got up. So the priest got up again and said,"Maybe I didn't explain me-self properly. Before we can put Paddy in his grave, one of you MUST get up and say something nice about the man. It's our duty as Irishmen and Catholics." So as the priest sat down again, Little Murphy in the back pew got up, cleared his throat, and with his porkpie hat in his hand said, "His brother was even worse!". ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
=====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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====================================================== Click to subscribe to the full version! Enjoy! Ophelia
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   Do NOT proceed to step #4 until you     
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If the free subscription gets censored and does not make it through to you,
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   Do NOT complain to me,   
   if your spam setting or your ISP censors your email.  
   There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what   
   goes on at your ISP or in your computer.  


4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
THEN you can pay for your subscription to the full version at


You can pay easily and securely with PayPal,
even if you don't have a PayPal account.
Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

If you want to pay with a paper check, Webby will cash it for me.
Please send it to

Webby, inc
Box 646
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Canada

Please mark on it somewhere, that it is for Ophelia.
I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about
receiving your check.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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Head for the hills 
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, March 16

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a sign board for him & put it above his clinic entrance. Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself. One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read: Psycho- the- rapist ____________________________________________________ 2 Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?" "No silly, it's salty!" ____________________________________________________ 3 Taylor the Lawyer was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best advice you can." After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to head for the hills." ____________________________________________________ 4 A man and his wife are screwing. Fifteen minutes has passed, thirty minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. After a few more moments, the wife comments "Can't you think of anyone either?" ____________________________________________________ 5 In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!" So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it." So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?" "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her. "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!" ___________________________________________________ 6 The handsome construction worker considered himself quite, the stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment. After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette. His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, "You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack." The indignant fellow snapped, "I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds !" ___________________________________________________ 7 While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to discover a large carrot under the pillow. When Mary Jo came home, Mother demanded an explanation of the carrot. "Mother, I want to be honest with you," she confessed, "for the past few weeks that carrot has been my husband." "Well," the Mother replied, "consider yourself a widow, because your husband just went into tonight's stew!" ___________________________________________________ 8 The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the redneck patient. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?" ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
=====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!
====================================================== Click to subscribe to the full version! Enjoy! Ophelia
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   Do NOT proceed to step #4 until you     
   successfully receive the free subscription!    


If the free subscription gets censored and does not make it through to you,
then the paid version will not make it through either.

   Do NOT complain to me,   
   if your spam setting or your ISP censors your email.  
   There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what   
   goes on at your ISP or in your computer.  


4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
THEN you can pay for your subscription to the full version at


You can pay easily and securely with PayPal,
even if you don't have a PayPal account.
Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

If you want to pay with a paper check, Webby will cash it for me.
Please send it to

Webby, inc
Box 646
Black Diamond, AB T0L 0H0
Canada

Please mark on it somewhere, that it is for Ophelia.
I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about
receiving your check.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


If the Subscriber buttons don't work on your browser,
you can accomplish the same with the donate button.

Ophelia Dingbatter
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Please help me stay online!
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See ya tomorrow!
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ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Revival Meeting 
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, March 15
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, ____________________________________________________ (`v) Ophelia Renew / Upgrade
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Nebraskans got tired of leaning into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to stop it. The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea being, to stop that cold wind. It might've worked, too. The barbed wire they used was strong enough, .but the real problem was that a couple owners of farms on the upper border kept leaving their gates open. ____________________________________________________ 2 There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming: "If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and come into the revival tent." Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one: "If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550." ____________________________________________________ 3 A man showed up for work one morning. He was immediately greeted by giggles of the two secretaries in the office he had to pass through on the way to his vice-president's office. "What is so funny?" The blonde said, "You have a smudge on your left cheek!" The exec replied, "Oh, I can explain that." The other secretary said, "Oh, yeah? How?" "I took my wife to the train station to depart on a one-month vacation," the executive said, "and after I kissed her good-bye, I went up to the engine, and I kissed it, too!" ____________________________________________________ 4 A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too? "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'." ____________________________________________________ 5 A Portuguese tourist visiting New York City stopped a passerby. "Excuse me," he said. "Can you tell me where the Empire State Building is, or should I go f**k myself again?" ___________________________________________________ 6 Two couples went to the movies on a double date. The guys went to the bathroom and as they were washing their hands one guy said to his friend. "What's that sticky stuff on your fingers? Did you use too much gooey hair crme?" "No, not at all....that's Gal O' Mine lotion." ___________________________________________________ 7 "Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see- through negligee. "How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor, defenseless female who's all alone in her house ... and will be until 5:30pm this evening? Come on in and let me check you out!" ___________________________________________________ 8 The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz". Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern?" ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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