Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet!" "My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change." "But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!" ____________________________________________________ 2 >From Mary Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A. Yell at him. ___________________________________________________ 3 This college girl comes back to the dorm after spending all day hiking in the wilderness with her boyfriend. After her shower she's toweling off when her roommate notices her ass all bruised up black and blue. "Good heavens! What happened to you? You're all bruised up." She replied, "Well, you know how it goes, just got caught between a rock and a hard-on." ____________________________________________________ 4 Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Little Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning." ____________________________________________________ 5 In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the lady being given the reading stared at the mystic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and then Hillary asked: "Will I be acquitted?" ___________________________________________________ 6 >From Morris I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a "Tested to British Safety Standards" sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled: "So was the Titanic." ___________________________________________________ 7 This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed." The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!" A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door." So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!" The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?" ___________________________________________________ 8 Gita, the co-ed danced excitedly into her room clapping and chanting, "I won! I won! That guy is so stupid!" Her room mate asked "What on Earth are you going on about?" "Well," Gita explained, "I just met this really stupid guy who bet me a dollar that if I touched my toes he could screw me without my feeling a thing, and I won!" ====================================================
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