Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, March 10, 2010

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Ophelia

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The scene is a psychiatrists office.  A patient is saying, "Doc you
gotta help me. Im 38 years old and I still wet my bed."

The psychiatrist said, "My good man, that is merely an acting out of a
retarded ego development and a rejection of adult responsibilities. We
can stop you from wetting your bed in two ways. The first is
psychoanalysis; five visits a week, fifty dollars a visit."

The guy says, "Whats the second way?"

The doctor replies, "Rubber shorts, $2.00 a pair."


On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally
retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations,
the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom
on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?"
she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for
endurance."






There was a woman who had just gotten married for the 4th
time and was on her honeymoon. She told the new groom that
he had to be very gentle with her since she was a virgin.

"What do you mean?" said the groom.

"Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist,
so all he wanted to do was talk about sex. My second husband
was a gynecologist, so all he wanted to do was examine me.
My third husband was a stamp collector -- boy, do I miss
him."


An elderly man entered a car agency with his young wife. The
owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait
upon them himself. He couldn't help but stare at the lady,
which, of course, the elderly man noticed.

"May I propose a wager," said the elderly man. "If you can
do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the
way I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you
cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

"Okay, agreed!" said the agency owner.

The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss, then the
agency owner did the same. Then the elderly man unbuttoned
her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner.
Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker,
and bent it in half.

"What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner.


A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his
toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness
Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending
the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on
the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, 
he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time, 
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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