NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, ! Today is Tuesday, April 20 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ 1 Real College Courses You can look 'em up: "Lady Gaga and the Sociology of Fame" (University of South Carolina, Columbia) "GaGa for Gaga: Sex, Gender and Identity" (University of Virginia) "Arguing With Judge Judy: Popular 'Logic' on TV Judge Shows" (University of California, Berkeley) "The Phallus" (Occidental College) "Zombies" (University of Baltimore) "Comics" (Oregon State University) "Harry Potter: Finding Your Patronus" (Oregon State University) _______________________________________________________ 2 Did you hear about the near-tragedy at a mall in Fresno? There was a power outage, and twelve people on their way to their exercise class were stuck on the escalators for over four hours. _________________________________________________ 4 A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though... " "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" --------------- Was that YOUR wife or mistress? ____________________________________________________ 5 New Marlboro Ads Warning: cigarettes give you a raspy voice that makes you sound as cool as you look." [Cough] [hack hack] [cough] [thpt] Smooooth." 1"Don't worry; you have an extra lung." "All of a sudden, your wife nagging you about smoking isn't nearly as annoying, is it?" "...That was the sound of a 65-year-old smoker hocking up a lung oyster at three in the morning." "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a carrot stick?" "Betcha can't smoke just one." "I have less tar and nicotine than the leading brands, you big pansy." "Buy another pack. Tobacco settlements don't pay themselves, you know." "The Marlboro Man has determined that the Surgeon General is a pussy." "Each cigarette shortens your life by three minutes, so smoke faster." "You have smoked... THREE... packs today. At this rate you will develop emphysema in... FIVE... years." -------------------- I stopped smoking ten years ago on a dare by DearWebby. He had total heart failure two days after he stopped smoking cold turkey. They almost killed him at Rockyview, but then he went to a local doctor in his village, who sent him to UC, where they put stents into him and hooked him up to Oxygen. He's a stubborn old coot, Taurus, and he made it. He has not smoked one puff since then. Neither did I. If he can stop, so can I. _____________________________________________________ 6 A young nurse was giving an old army man a bath and told him he would have to wash his own privates. "Privates?!" he shouted. "At my age they should be at least Generals by now." _____________________________________________________ 7 The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitts for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming visit me from army next week!" "That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?" "Oh," the young woman said, "about long as Mr. Schmitt's. Maybe little thicker." _____________________________________________________ 8 According to 'Men's Health' magazine, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. That's something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car. In another stats report I read that red Camaros had been used an average of 52 times for sex, and Ford F150s an average of 6 times. ____________________________________________________
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
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