Ophelia Dingbatter's News

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, July 17

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Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. 
Those who judge me don't matter.

Those, who click me some grocery money, 

____________________________________________________

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia

Renew / Upgrade


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.
____________________________________________________
1
So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he
hears the garage door open.

"It's my husband," the woman says. "Here start ironing
these."
tossing him a pile of shirts.

The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange
man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new
housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy
stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down the
street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about
what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him.
The man looks at him and says,

"Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who
lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and
Park?"

"Yes, I am." "Why do you ask ?"

"Well son, who do you think washed those  shirts?"
____________________________________________________
2
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me
why I married him in the first place.

"I was just stupid," I teased.

When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested
an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall
out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of
anybody falling out of stupid."
____________________________________________________
3
The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple
for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl
still struggled with the English language.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her
boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?" asked the
lady.

"Oh... about the same as your husband's, but a little bit
ticker." the au pair replied.
____________________________________________________
5
Two drunk men were sitting in the park. The first one
says,

"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't
bend it with both hands."

"By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees
if I tried really hard."

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees,
no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much
stronger I'm gonna get!"

___________________________________________________
6
A grumpy, overbearing office manager once had to spend a
couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to
the nurses, bossing them around just like he did his
employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one
who would stand up to him.

She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature."

After complaining for a few minutes he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse said, "For this reading, I
can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his behind. After inserting the
thermometer, she said, "Now, I have to go get something.
You stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and
the man cursed under his breath as he heard people
walking past his door snickering. After quite some time
had passed, a doctor walked into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?
haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes... but never with
a DAFFODIL!"
___________________________________________________
7
How Government Works
(Or just about any large corporation these days)
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in
the middle of a desert. Congress said "Someone may steal
from it at night." So they created a night watchman
position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?" So they created a planning
department and hired two people, one person to write the
instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman
is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality
Control department and hired two people. One to do the
studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get
paid?" So they created the following positions, a
timekeeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of
these people?" So they created an administrative section
and hired three people, an Administrative Officer,
Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in
operation for one year and we are $318,000 over budget,
we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

___________________________________________________
8In school one day, the teacher decided that for science
class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in
the front of the class and said,

"Children, if you could have one raw material in the
world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want
gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could
buy a Corvette."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little
Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is
worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little
Adam stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"

"Because my mom has two bags of Silicone and you should
see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!"

====================================================



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Ophelia
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