Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, January 23

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Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Every time the U.S. Cavalry major rode through the camp of the recently subjected Indian tribe, he'd deliberately wave to the old chief. And the latter would reply by giving him the finger, in the usual vertical manner, and then turning his hand so that the same digit stuck out horizontally. After a few weeks of this, the major's curiosity got the better of him; so he rode over after one such exchange and said, "Look, Chief, I know what it means when you give me the finger straight up, but what the hell does it mean when you also give it to me sideways?" "It means," grunted the chief, "that I don't like your horse, either!" ______________________________________________________ 2 The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a dazed but oddly happy expression on his face. "What happened?" asked the cop. "I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, "when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me and - uh - tore off my clothes. And then. . . " "And then what?" "And then all heaven broke loose!" ______________________________________________________ 3 A city bloke was visiting the Australian outback and he booked into an old hotel with an outside toilet. After he'd put his suitcase on the bed, the first thing he did was go to the toilet. Trouble was, he couldn't get near it for blowflies. So he went and saw the manager to make a complaint. "I just went to the toilet and couldn't get near it for blowies." The manager looked up at the bar room clock and said, "It's only 11:30, mate. Could you hang on for another half-hour? Until 12 o'clock? The blowies will all be in the dining room then." ______________________________________________________ 4 I remember this time that I took Lewis to a celebratory dinner at a really posh restaurant. We walked in, were ushered to a table by a formally dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which were displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring, Lewis unfolded it, put it around his neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the back. Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted teeth, "Sir, the barbershop is across the street!" ______________________________________________________ 5 Boo applied for a job in an office. After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies. One asked, "How'd it go?" Boo answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted to see my testimonials. So I showed 'em and she freaked. There went da job." ______________________________________________________ 6 After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem." The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," the boy exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father." ========================================================



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