Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !

Thank you, Cahrles!!!

Today is Thursday, December 8
Today DearWebby has to go to Calgary for more injections 
into his eyeballs. Yikes!
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or Sunday.

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Ophelia

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___________________________________________________ One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." _____________________________________________________ 2 A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars", and then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!" The boy then went to his brother! and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a queer" ______________________________________________________ 3 There once was a young man from Virtualand, Who traded real life for a wedding band, He signed onto the net, His betrothed got upset, And she lopped off his link @ the ampersand. ______________________________________________________ 4 Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, a balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair loss. A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that showed great promise. Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a heavy growth of hair appeared on the bald man's scalp. He was very happy at first, but soon became alarmed when hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body. After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. "What the hell did you give me?" he demanded. "It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth." "Aha!" exclaimed the man. "That would explain the size of my balls!" ______________________________________________________ 5 It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and found a very bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering. "Thank God you're in," said the stranger. "I've been walking for hours. I'm lost, and the snow is so deep. Can I rest here for a while?" "Why certainly," replied the old man. "Come and sit by the fire." The stranger gratefully accepted the invitation. As he walked in to the lounge, he saw the old lady, and beside her an attractive 19-year-old blonde. "I'm Walter, by the way," said the old man. "This is my wife Mary and my daughter Ida who's come to stay for Christmas." After a glass of whiskey, the old man said, "Well, it's getting late, and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that all the beds are taken, but you're welcome to sleep on the sofa." The young man said, 'Thank you' and lay down. About an hour later, Walter was lying in bed, and turned to his wife, and said, "It's a very cold night. I'll see if that young man would like a blanket." So he went into the lounge, and asked, "Would you like a blanket, young man?" "Oh no, Walter I'm fine." "Well, what about a hot water bottle?" "No, no, there's really no need," he replied. "Alright, then, how about having our eiderdown?" "My God, you certainly know how to look after strangers," he gasped. "She's been down twice already." ______________________________________________________ 6 "Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!" ____________________________________________________



Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
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