Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, July 15


(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money, 
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money, 
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________
1
George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife
is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out
fucking around, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my
dick."

______________________________________________________
2
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex
for several years, decided they needed to visit a
cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the
madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the
dolls in each man's room and left them to their
business. After the two men were finished, they
started walking home and began to talking. The
first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead.
She never moved, talked or even groaned... how
was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch.
When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and 
flew out the window!"

______________________________________________________
3
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband
is 300% impotent. 

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you
mean." 

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In
addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger."

_______________________________________________________
4
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.
He says to his buddy at lunch,
"Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife
on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a
performance!"

"A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge,
and we had ourselves another performance."

"Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the
task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until
I couldn't wait any longer. I gave her a little nudge. She
opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately
had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a
performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

________________________________________________________
5
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak
he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them
decided to head down and see if was really as large and
delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After
looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily,
for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out
some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the
waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a
BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends
invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the
meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were
sitting by the window."

_____________________________________________________
6
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get
married.
He was a man of the world.
She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon.

While driving down the road, the new bride sees two
cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you
see?
Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses
having sex. 
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing
honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're
roping!"

She replies,"Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel.
The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they got in the bed, they start to explore each
other's bodies.
Things are going along fine until the bride discovers
her husband's penis. 

"Oh my!" she cries:

"What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly:
"That's ma' rope!

"She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my
goodness!

What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love.

After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey,
wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the
matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need
more rope!"

_____________________________________________________
7
A commercial traveler was driving through the Scottish
Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage
near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The
door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out," said the traveler, "Where can I
spend the night?"

"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and
avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

The traveler duly entered the humble but cozy
residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of
the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful
daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman
and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland
hospitality." 

The traveler was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, the
girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland
hospitality to the guest.

"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out
and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take
full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler
set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all
he had her on floor and was on the job.

Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned
purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with
a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland
hospitality," he roared, "Curl up your butt woman, and
take the poor man's balls off the cold floor!"

________________________________________________________
8
Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks
her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a
romantic 'nature honeymoon'...He carries her across the
threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers
in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a
man b'fore."

"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little
bride softly shakes her head...Billy-Joe jumps out of bed,
grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his
truck...
down the mountain.... straight to his parents house...
rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" ....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe,
what'r you doin here?

"Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight,
gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the cabin, and she
toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I
rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I
could!" 

"His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance,
and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't
good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't
good'nuff fer ours!!"
________________________________________________________







Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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