Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Wednesday, January 17

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Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, "Take the dog for a walk." ____________________________________________________ 2 Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?" Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Michigan, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, don't ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Michigan's Upper Peninsula, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Soo, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't ya know; if hell is froze over, dat must mean da Lions von da Super Bowl! ____________________________________________________ 3 A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing' 'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment..... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!" ____________________________________________________ 4 As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. You'll probably never see me on the weekends." His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker." "No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting them straight in no time." ____________________________________________________ 5 Some feminists are demanding that housewives be paid a weekly salary for all the work they do. Eventually, we'll have a housewife's union. I can't wait to see what happens when the housewives go on strike and strike breakers are brought in to take their places. ___________________________________________________ 6 School girl : "I do not want to take the Sex Education class" Teacher : "Why not?" School girl : "Someone told me the Final Exam would be oral!" ___________________________________________________ 7 Employee: Boss, I've been here 11 years, doing three men's work for one man's pay. I want a raise and I want it now! Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but tell you what.... if you tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them. =====================================================



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