Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Monday, October 16

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ Darling," cooed the wife sweetly over morning coffee, "do you remember those trout you spent two weeks fishing for back in April?" "Sure," mumbled her husband through his newspaper. "Well," she continued, "one of them called last night to say you're going to he a father." ____________________________________________________ 2 Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come." ____________________________________________________ 3 A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a poem with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line. Here are the top 12 entries they received: 1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you because I was pissed. 2. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother 3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head. 4. Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face 5. Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot This describes everything you are not 6. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face 7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life 9. I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming 10. My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way? 11. My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell" 12 What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime ____________________________________________________ 4 A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally." The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?" "Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000." "What about my furniture? I paid for that." "Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen." There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two." The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got." ____________________________________________________ 5 A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages. "Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here." "How long is that?" asks the girl. "About three hundred years." ____________________________________________________ 6 TOP ELEVEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 11. Cats' facial expressions 10. What the hell is so important about chocolate. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN ___________________________________________________ 7 A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize." =====================================================



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