Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, March 31

Today DearWebby has to go to Calgary for injections into his  eyeballs.
There will be nothing sent out April 3, 4, or 5.

(`v)
Ophelia


Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.
_________________________________________________________
1
A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband
says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see
your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.

And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the
camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.

"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your
picture next to my heart forever!"

She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then
she says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to
see your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a
look?"

He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.

And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.

"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

_______________________________________________________
2
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in
the crotch. 

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor.  He said, "How
bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancee is still a virgin -- in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a
splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
by next week." 

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided splint and taped it all together ... an impressive work
of art. 

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and
goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no
one has EVER touched these." 

He immediately drops his pants and replies.. 

"Look at this, .. still in the CRATE" 

______________________________________________________
3
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She
>>>spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On
her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind
my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.  The girl replies, "I'd
guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."  

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the
counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm
78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell,
go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs
each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her
breasts together and rubs them against each other.  After a
couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his 
hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how
could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

_________________________________________________________
4
>From Charlene
 Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
to
prevent ice cream drips.


 My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch
with
your feet up eating it anyway.


 Martha's way #2:
Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the
hot
griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.


 My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave
for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the
plastic
bag.


 Martha's way #3:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the
potatoes.


 My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up to a year.


 Martha's way #4:
To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to
the
water before hard boiling.


 My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take
the shells off anyway?


 Martha's way #5:
To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room
temperature and roll them under your palm against the
kitchen
counter before squeezing.


 My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and
box springs.


 Martha's way #6:
To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add
a
drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of
pan,
and bring to a boil on stovetop.


 My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.


 Martha's way #7:
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before
pouring
in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.


 My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any
leftovers.


 Martha's way #8:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit
of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess
on
the outside of the cake.


 My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for
you.


 Martha's way #9:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still
cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an
instant "fix me up"


 My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too darn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it
and
I don't care how bad it tastes.


 Martha's way #10:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator
and
it will keep for weeks.


 My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.


 Martha's way #11:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield
a beautiful glossy finish.


 My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do
it.


 Martha's way #12:
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.


 My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?


 Martha's way #13:
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help
bring
out the corn's natural sweetness.


 My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.


 Martha's way #14:
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of
cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises
to
the surface, throw it away.


 My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad
later, you will know it wasn't fresh.


 Martha's way #15:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.


 My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting
lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the
headacheanymore, it is because you are now blind.


 Martha's way #16:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for
future use in casseroles and sauces.


 My way: Leftover wine?


 Martha's way #17:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing
gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.


 My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.


 Martha's way #18:
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice
and
rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.


 My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-
bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.


 Martha's way #19:
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,wait
twenty
minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent
action
clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass
vase
or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer
tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass
of
water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in
four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or
longer, if necessary).


 My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the
toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole
bunch of problems at once.

________________________________________________________
5
One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young
clerk couldn't help but notice her, first, because she
reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because
she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than his
grandmother did.

"Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell
v- v-vibrators here?"

"Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed.

"B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" asked the
old lady.

"Yes ma'am, we have some like that."

"The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"

"Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want," said
the young clerk.

"The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-
batteries?" 

"Yes ma'am we carry some like that."

"Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it
off?"

________________________________________________________
6
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the
Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,  "Do
you know what  your ass hole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
  
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the
class. 

______________________________________________________
7
>From Martin C
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up
with the answer on your own. 

The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think
this one through.

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on
opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. 

The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old
toothless woman.  

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?





 
 







Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Don't look down

--------
How are you doing up there, Martin?

_________________________________________________________
8
This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse
destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than
60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the
blaze.

__________________________________________________







Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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