Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 1

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
_______________________________________________________
1
An old gentleman was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He
spoke  to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said, "how are you,
toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we've had!
Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday
afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy
birthday, toes!"

"Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know
you`re 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we
marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped
together. Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you
were alive today,
you'd be 82 years old!"

_______________________________________________________
2
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn
construction site noticed the coarse language of the
workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct
their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with
the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a
brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were
eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile
said : . . .  "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the
workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up
there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers asked why.

The worker yelled "His wife is here with his lunch".

_________________________________________________
3
A guy had proposed and the girl had turned him down.
"Ah, well," he sighed dejectedly, "I suppose I'll never
marry now."

The girl couldn't help giggling a little, she was so
flattered.

"You silly boy!" she said.  "Just because I've turned you
down, that doesn't mean that other girls will do the same."

"Of course it does," he retorted.  "If even *you* won't
have me, who will?"

_________________________________________________
4
A football player with the San Francisco 49ers had an eye
gouged out during a particularly violent game. Inspired by
his coach's pep talks he refuses to give up the game and
has a glass eye fitted. Although he is still able to play
football, he knows that he is not the same player he was
before. Also, off the field he is having a hard time
adjusting, he constantly feels self conscious about the
glass eye.

His doctor gives him the good news that complete eye
transplants are now possible. But the bad news is that
there's a chronic lack of donors and the waiting list is
about five years.

One night, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, his
glass eye fails to detect a guy trying to go around his car
on a motorcycle. He changes lanes and sends the motorcycle
flying.

It's late at night and nobody's around and it's clear to
the football player that the cyclist is dead. He makes a
quick decision and cuts out one of the cyclists eyes with
his pen knife. He figures if he rushes it to his surgeon
he'll be able to perform the transplant. Before he leaves
he pops out his glass eye and places it in the cyclist's
eye socket.

Everything is fine for a few weeks, his new eye is working
perfectly. But he starts to worry about the cyclist.
Everything had happened so fast - what if he wasn't dead
after all?

He decided to call the local police station and enquire
about the accident.

"Yes, the poor fellow was dead alright," said the officer,
"but it's still all very mysterious."

The guy felt a chill of fear run up and down his spine,

"Mysterious?" he asked.

"Yeah, how the hell did he manage to ride his bike all the
way up here from Los Angeles with two glass eyes?"

____________________________________________________
5
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the
waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress
wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to
his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top
to bottom, then answers,

"A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she
regains her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,

"A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps
him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms
away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'keesh'."

_____________________________________________________
6
Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?

A. When her favourite sexual position is next door.

_____________________________________________________
7
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city.
Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to
a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the
best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam,
"How much do I owe you?"

The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then
pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to
him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets
the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees
the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two
hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred
dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being
filmed."

_____________________________________________________
8
Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says,
"Leena did you know there is 117,000 musk-ox in
Alaska?".

Lena says, "No, I didn't, Gee, you¹re smart".

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are
482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart.

Ole says, "and Lena did you know there is over
2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?"

"No", says Lena, "how did you get so smart?"
Sort of wondering how this conversation came
about in the middle of their sex play.

Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out
of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out
of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember", says Lena.

Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the
National Geographic stuck to your ass."

__________________________________________________



__________________________________________________






Enjoy! Ophelia ===================
Ophelia
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____________________________________________________

Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
Ophelia Dingbatter If you like my work,
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