Ophelia Dingbatter's News

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, October 17

By the time you read this, DearWebby will have had his October
shots into his eyeballs and will be stumbling around groping walls and of course any females within reach. 

It is surprising what he can get away with while wearing 
dark glasses at the Eye Center. Some women apparently 
even grope back!

That means he won't be sending out newsletters for 3 days.

Enjoy your vacation!


(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. 
Those who judge me don't matter.

Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.

____________________________________________________
 
1
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well
below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection!
I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"

So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering,
and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.

The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve
your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick.

He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the
chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.

"No, Sir!" came the reply.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy,
and sees an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a
huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

____________________________________________________
2
Two men were talking. One said "I'd love to be casseroled by a
redhead."

"What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a
cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time." 

The first man shrugged. "Exactly." he replied.

____________________________________________________
3
>From Eddie
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my
car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the
checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and
aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.  "How often
do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier,
more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every six months or
6,000 miles, whichever comes first."

____________________________________________________
4
A professor was explaining how the life often compensates for a
person's natural deficiencies.  "You see," he said, "If someone
is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if
his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell." 

"Yeah," said a student. "I've always noticed that if a woman has
one small breast, the other one is always a bit larger."

____________________________________________________
5
A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only
available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced
to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asked.


"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They
were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes."

Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams. "What the
hell is that?"

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."

The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and
saw 12 streams! "War wound?" they both asked.

"Naah, my zipper's stuck."

___________________________________________________
6
>From Al
As an executive vice-president, my father was scheduled to meet
with the board of directors of the large advertising agency where
he worked. It was Thanksgiving eve, and he and my mother had
exchanged numerous phone calls all day to arrange for the arrival
of family members from far away.  Their plan finally set, Dad
made his way to the meeting
.
Meanwhile, Mom had come up with a better plan.  She called my dad
at work and insisted that his secretary deliver the message to
him immediately. The secretary entered the boardroom and
announced, "Excuse me, Mr.Harbert, but your wife just called with
an urgent message.  She said to tell you that she's figured out
a
new way to do it."

___________________________________________________
7
A few days before his proctologic exam, a one eyed man
accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while,
but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed
instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the
proctologist saw when he looked up the man's behind was that
glass eye staring right back at him!

"You know," said the doctor, "You really have to learn to trust
me."

___________________________________________________
8
An 89-year-old man intended to marry a 24-year-old young  woman.
His son told him, "You can't marry a 24-year-old."
"Why not?" asked the indignant old man.

The son said, "If you marry a 24-year-old, you'll have to have
sex with her.  That could be fatal!"

He thought about it a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Well, your mom didn't die from sex. If this one dies, she dies.
She'll be insured!"

=====================================================













Enjoy!

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia







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Ophelia

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