Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Sunday, August 19



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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Here's a few curious headlines: To all those journalists, purported English speakers and those who think they have mastered English and the rest of us simple readers 1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 11. War Dims Hope for Peace 12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 14. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks ____________________________________________________ 2 A church deacon learned there was a nudist colony in his parish and decided he should visit the place to let the nudists know they'd be welcomed at the church, properly dressed. He was advised that he could only enter if he removed his clothing to which he agreed but requested that he be allowed to retain his clerical collar, which request was granted. After an hour or so, he noticed he was being closely and continuously observed by an attractive nudist. He approached the woman and said. "If you're wondering about my clerical collar, I'm a deacon in the church." To which the woman replied, "Oh, no, I was looking at your balls, I thought you were a canon!" ____________________________________________________ 3 >From Rina 1) Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" 4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just from standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and crap for brains. 11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person, you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. 13. Everyday, I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days that I've stayed alive. 14. How come we choose from just two people to run for President, and 50 for Miss America? 15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant, like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 16. Why is it, that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 18. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been. ____________________________________________________ 4 Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me." ____________________________________________________ 5 A female friend, who shall remain nameless, took a vacation to France some years ago with one of her girlfriends. Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?" The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!" Our lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal. Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked "So, honey, how was the trip?" " Really great, I loved Paris." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "What I asked for....the French girl ?" "Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl !!!" ___________________________________________________ 6 How do you tickle a rich girl? Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!" ___________________________________________________ 7 The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. --- Woody Allen =====================================================

Stuck on Sunday Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
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