Ophelia Dingbatter's News

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, September 18

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(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. 
Those who judge me don't matter.

Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.

____________________________________________________
1
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the guys."
I told my wife that I'd be home by midnight. Promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too
easily. At around 2:30a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for
home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-
witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I
told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all.
Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a
new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said "Oh shit!" cuckooed four more
times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

____________________________________________________
2
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-
syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a
few of the children examples of words with more than one
syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?"

After some thought, Jane proudly replied, "Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone
know another word?"

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature vocabulary, she picks Mike
instead. "OK, Mike, what is your word?"

"Saturday," says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables!"

Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says, "I know a FOUR syllable
word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Thinking he cannot do any harm with a word that large, the
teacher reluctantly says, "O.K., Johnny, what is your four
syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No, Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob.' That's only two
syllables."

____________________________________________________
3
Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking
really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what
the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and
Clothile done had our first fight last night."

Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight
about?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."

Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat
Clothile is Catholic."

Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope
was one of dem too."

____________________________________________________
4
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah
River Bridge in Augusta, GA one day. As she neared the top of
the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of
the bridge getting ready (fixin') to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please
don't jump, think of your Mother and Father". 

He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump". 

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children". 

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids". 

She said, " Well, then think of Robert E. Lee". 

He replied, " Who is Robert E. Lee?" 

She replied, "Well just go on and jump, you Yankee nogood!"

____________________________________________________
5
Kentucky Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother"
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...
You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother"
But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

___________________________________________________
6 
Mrs. O'Malley arrives in Boston from Ireland, and in no time
at all her bean soup has made her the talk of New England
society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a
fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron goes up to Mrs.
O'Malley and says, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your
soup?" 

Mrs. O'Malley says, "The secret to me soup is that I use but
two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."

The woman says, "How come only two-hundred thirty-nine?" Mrs.
O'Malley says, "Because one more would make it too farty."

___________________________________________________
7
Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly IRS agent
confronted him.  "It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you
have claimed a dependent son.  Surely this must be a mistake." 

Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it
surely was."

=====================================================













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(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia







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