Ophelia Dingbatter's News

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, June 24

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Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. 
Those who judge me don't matter.

Those, who click me some grocery money, 

____________________________________________________

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.
____________________________________________________
1
Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who 
had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late 
in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down 
on my veranda for a few hours and relax. 

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, 
fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon 
boating or playing golf or tennis... 

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the 
finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my 
veranda again." 

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be 
envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She 
asked, "What's his wife's name?" 

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda." 

____________________________________________________
2
Thanks to Wendy for this story:
Little Johnny and his Dad were in the park one day when Johnny
spotted two dogs mating furiously. Little Johnny stared at the
dogs a while and then turned to his Dad and asked what the dogs
were doing. 
"Well, Johnny," his Dad replied hesitantly, "they are making
puppies." 

Little Johnny looked back at the dogs for a second, deep in
thought, then ran off to play on the swings. 

A few weeks later Johnny walked in on his parents when they
forgot to latch the lock, and they were going after it pretty
wildly themselves.

Johnny tapped his Father on the shoulder and asked, "Daddy, what
are you and Mommy doing?" 

"Well, Johnny," his Dad replied out of breath, "we are making a
baby."

Johnny thought about it for a moment and said excitedly 
"Dad, turn her over! I'd much rather have puppies." 

____________________________________________________
3
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day in his car
when he saw his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself
off
the bridge into the water far below.

Bruce slammed on the brakes and shouted, "Sheila! What the hell
do you think you're doing'?"

Sheila turned around with a tear in her eye and said, "Bruce. You
got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce got a lump in his throat when he heard this and replied,

"Sheila, not only are you a great lay, but you're a damn good
sport too!"

_____________________________________________________________
4
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting
a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However,
on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the
box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my
promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today
the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to
know
why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to
you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind
myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and
saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the
road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not
that
bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary
asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans,
I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

____________________________________________________
5
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice
restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on
the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded
spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin
and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to
shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his
eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of
his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"

___________________________________________________
6
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts
the alligator up on the bar then turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place
my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After
a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the
man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were
delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush
fell over the crowd.

After a while, a limp-wristed hand went up in the back of the
bar. A man timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with
the beer bottle".

___________________________________________________
7
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her
husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another deceased was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So . . . I switched the heads"

___________________________________________________
8
There's a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see
how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the
works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look
pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so
much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and
reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the
money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

====================================================



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Ophelia
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