NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, ! Today is Wedmesday, June 23 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. _______________________________________________________ 1 The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! "MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" "Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!" _______________________________________________________ 2 There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time." _________________________________________________ 3 The breasts of a barmaid of Crale, Were tattoed with the price of brown ale. And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in braille _________________________________________________ 4 Randy went to a party the other night and was having a real blast. After he'd been there a few hours (and several, several drinks), he noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side. She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist. She was built like a brick, well, anyway she was built! The amazing thing was, she kept staring at him and smiling. Naturally, being a man, he decided to go try his luck. Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. He went over and struck up a conversation with her (don't remember about what, but it had to be very interesting). Well, one thing led to another and she invited him back to her place and being the gentleman he was, he said "OK." He would not go into all the details of the night (mainly because he didn't remember), but he awoke the next morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying. He thought now this is great! He thought he might have a keeper here. He got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen. When he got there her mom (looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was standing at the stove. Embarrassed, he stammered, "Where's your grand-daughter?" She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said, "I don't have a grand-daughter or a daughter." ____________________________________________________ 5 When they arrive the Devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises. "Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys. "Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil. So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack. So I'll cut it off with a saw" To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith. So I'm going to burn it off" As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling. "Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the Devil. "I know" replies the man "but my father was a Popsicle maker" _____________________________________________________ 6 A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. _____________________________________________________ 7 There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. _____________________________________________________ 8 Told to me by a friend with kids in elementary school. The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck". One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word. "What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher. "I can't say it." "It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it." "No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it" "Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?" "Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'" ____________________________________________________
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
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