Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Tuesday,  September 17

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Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Dear Webby said that he got that dreaded furniture disease .....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers! ____________________________________________________ 2 >From Boris As we age, our priorities change...... The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, I tied her up and went fishing. _____________________________________________________ 3 THE NEW OFFICE VOCABULARY TESTICULATING Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks. BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO. The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. XEROX SUBSIDY. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes. 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all') WOOFies. Well Off Older Folk. CROP DUSTING Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING. ____________________________________________________ 4 Guts: is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?" ____________________________________________________ 5 Balls: is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next" ___________________________________________________ 6 "Ignorance can be fixed. Stupid is forever." (See AOC, Beto, Pocahunta, Mad Max) ___________________________________________________ 7 Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors about the local priest. The first nun reported, "I was going through Father's office the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied. The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms! "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent violation of the priest's chastity vow. "What did you do???" they asked. "I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun. "I poked holes in all of the condoms!" The third nun screamed and fainted. ___________________________________________________ 8 man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. "Fuckwell Titsenbeer," he said ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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Ophelia Dingbatter
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