Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Today is Wednesday, May 23

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Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 "All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it." --- Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr. ____________________________________________________ 2 >From Eddie My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend.? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say.? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me." I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car. ____________________________________________________ 3 Sandra was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked Cindy if she thought it was too low cut. Cindy: "Do you have hair on your chest?" Sandra "No -- certainly NOT!!!" Cindy "Then it's too low cut." ____________________________________________________ 4 The husband had finally had enough of being Pussy-whipped. He burst through the door after work and yelled, " Here's the deal Woman. I want my dinner on the table in 15 minutes. Afterwards, we're going upstairs where you'll satisfy me with some oral sex. Then while I'm in the shower, you'll lay out some clean clothes for me. Cause I'm going out on the town with the boys. And do you know who's gonna tie my damn tie just the way I like it." "Yes Dear," she replied. "The undertaker." ____________________________________________________ 5 The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, Maryland, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, Felix, one of our guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist. He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at Felix in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?" ___________________________________________________ 6 Anni was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," Anni complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too." The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" Anni thought about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try." ___________________________________________________ 7 This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus. A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. she tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. she tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn't get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt. He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing." The man says "Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was aquainted." =====================================================



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