Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  July 2, 2009



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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an
adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had
any real map-reading skills and they became separated
from the other members of their team. All they knew
was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub
called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'

They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly
lost until they came to what looked like a fork in
the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path
to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path
each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man
back to the pub would pay for the drinks.

Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork
was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint,
when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding,
battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a
rugby team.

Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he
explained, "I must have gone around in circles for
hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car
engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car
in a clearing at the end of what looked like a
'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I
couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more
than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for
directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now,
the man in the car must have been a complete
psychopath, because as soon as I asked him,
'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the
car and beat the crap out of me!"





Little Johnny is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer.
Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his
teacher, "What's that, Miss Dawson?" 

Miss Dawson decides to play a word game with him and
says, "That's what your Mom calls your Dad, Johnny." 

Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, 
"I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fuckin-pig!"
 

The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's
room after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said,
"Mr. Todd! Are you entertaining in there?"

From behind the door, Todd answered, 
"Just a second -- I'll ask her!"


Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors
about the local priest. The first nun reported, "I was going
through Father's office the other day, and do you know what
I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the
Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch
of condoms!

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent
violation of the priest's chastity vow.

"What did you do???" they asked.

"I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun.

"I poked holes in all of the condoms!"

The third nun fainted.


A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws 
her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a 
month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!  The 
doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find
out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple haven't paid their last bill: 
"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from
the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, 
mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices 
the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife 
is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. 
All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD