NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, ! Today is Tuesday, May 11 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ 1 He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said: "You've got the keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black." _______________________________________________________ 2 A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart." _________________________________________________ 3 During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one, this question. "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom," she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said. The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table." "And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners." I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher had a kaniption fit. _________________________________________________ 4 The teacher, Miss Baker, asks the children what they want to be when they grow up. "I want to be an actress," Susie says. "I want to be an astronaut," Cliff says. "I want to be a sex therapist," says Little Johnny. "Would you please tell the class how you think your job is going to be like?" asked Miss Baker. "Okay, Miss Baker. Look out of the window. Three women are walking down the street eating ice cream. One is licking, one is sucking, and one is biting. Would you please tell the class which one is married?" says Little Johnny. "Get out of the class, Little Johnny, and come back with your parents!" exclaims Miss Baker. Little Johnny replies, "The one that is married is the one that is wearing a wedding ring. It is people like you, Miss Baker, that I am going to treat. ____________________________________________________ 5 A man making the Bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home. Man: My wife will kill me. Bartender: Take her some candy. Man: She is on a diet. Bartender: Take her some flowers. Man: She has allergies. Bartender: Tell her a poem. Man: She loves poems ... I don't know any. Bartender: Here is one for you. The Bartender recited. YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH .. BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS... BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE. -"Shakespeare" Man: I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door. Wife: You better not of been drinking. Man: Sweetness, I have a poem for you! Wife: It had better be good The man starts to recite the poem: YOU BABYLONIAN BITCH BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS. BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A PUSSY LIES AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE. He got a knee in the groin. _____________________________________________________ 6 A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy." "That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back." So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in. She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?" "Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!" _____________________________________________________ 7 A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting." _____________________________________________________ 8 A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot bald. The following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner. She thinks it would be unique if the parrot greeted the guests and told them where to go. She had spent nearly a year training the parrot for this. As the guests began entering, the parrot dutifully announced, "Ladies to the right! Gentlemen to the left!" Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot screeches, "And you two chicken-fuckers get up here with me." ____________________________________________________
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
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