Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Good Morning, ! Today is Tuesday, February 25 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter.
_________________________________________________________ 1 Carnation Milk Contest One evening a farm woman was working on completing a jingle to win a large cash prize from Carnation Milk. Carnation furnished the first line, "I like Carnation best of all," and it was to be completed in 50 words or less. A couple of months later the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her entry was the best, but it couldn't be published, but they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000. Here is her entry: I like Carnation best of all, No tits to pull, no shit to haul. No barns to clean, no hay to pitch, Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch. _________________________________________________________ 2 There was a woman from Buffalo who challenged a fellow to show that he could pee higher than she. How could the stout fellow say no? So they went on out back of the pub. She put her puss on the wall and said "Bub, I'm goin' first... I'm about to burst," then proceeded to let go a flood. She managed about three feet high. So the bub whipped open his fly... grabbed hold of his thing, but the lady" did sing, "The rules are no hands, by the by!" _________________________________________________________ 3 Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow- disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast! I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "Heck, I ain't worried. It won't affect us ducks." _________________________________________________________ 4 An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue." _________________________________________________________ 5 A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes. She replied, "Actually no, just between my 2 big toes!" _________________________________________________________ 6 The two little old ladies, who were long time friends and a bit old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?" Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend." Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it. Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then all over, and then we sing Jewish songs." Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen." Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?" Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?" "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me all over" Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we "screw" until I fall asleep. By the time I wake up, he is usually asleep." _________________________________________________________ 7 Two old friends met at a bar and one announced that he was getting married. His friend congratulated him and asked who the bride was. "JoAnne, the lil' blonde cashier down at the Giant grocery store," the groom-to-be replied. "You old fool," his friend countered, "She's what, 20 some, and you're in your 70's." "What's wrong with that?" the first man asked. "She's the same age my first wife was when I married her." _________________________________________________________ 8 The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer. On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He wants sex every night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts like buggery!" The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will file your petition," . "File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard sandpaper his dick!" _________________________________________________________
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
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