Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Wednesday, December 13

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Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A beautiful young lady was about to undergo a minor operation. She lay on a rolling bed and the nurse brought her into the corridor. Before entering the room, the nurse left her behind the surgery room door to go in and check if everything was ready. A young man wearing a white coat approached, took the sheet away and began examining her naked body. He walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. The second man came over and did the same examination. When a third man started examining her body very closely, she grew impatient and asked, "These examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and told her, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor as soon as they wheel you out of our way." ____________________________________________________ 2 Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac. Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme! Shloyme says: "Wait here for me." His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!" Shloyme says, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish." and he leaves for the gate. So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen. The driver asks: "What happened?" Shloyme says,"Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what'll I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew." ____________________________________________________ 3 Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," Joe said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" Tom asked. Joe replied "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!" ____________________________________________________ 4 Q. Why are Jewish men circumcised? A. Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off. ____________________________________________________ 5 Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and Barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view. "That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked. "Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks Flew in and landed on the pond. "I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all of My hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his Wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill Said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, Shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out of You," his wife said. "You are such a fool." Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks Are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a ttick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, shit" Bill Said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog. Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT. That Dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a fucking stick at." ____________________________________________________ 6 She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.' ___________________________________________________ 7 Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across the frozen lake to the yeneral store to pick up some tobacco. She asked for some money, but he told her to "Yust put it on our tab". So she valked across, got the tobacco & valked back. Then she asked Ole "Vhy didn't you send me with any money?". Ole replied, "Vell, I vasn't going to send any money ven I vasn't sure how tik the fokin' ice vas." =====================================================



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