NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, ! Today is Tuesday, May 26 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. _________________________________________________________ 1 Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!" _______________________________________________________ 2 There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, she would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit. A man sits down next to her and asks her, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit". "Well", says the gal, "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?" "He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now he're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey. "We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! "We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!" She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!" ______________________________________________________ 3 Bill decided to try his hand at a new job and secured one as a used car salesman. He had no experience in this field but he figured he could use the old sales pitch that the car was *like brand-new* and had only been driven by a little old lady on Sundays. He tried that approach on every prospective buyer but none seemed to believe him and no sales were made that day. His boss was furious and threatened to fire Bill if he didn't sell any cars the following day. The following day he decided to change his sales pitch and sure enough he sold three cars. The manager of the used car dealership called him over and asked what he had done to bring about all these sales. Bill grinned, "Well they didn't believe my little old lady story, so I told them that the car had previously been owned by YOUR daughter, who only used the backseat." _______________________________________________________ 4 A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?" "I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered. "I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled. "What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?" ________________________________________________________ 5 Bill receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." "Oh?" "Yes, it was at Don's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." "Say Susan, you ARE a good sport." ________________________________________________________ 6 Three dogs were sitting in a bar: a German Shepherd, an English Bulldog, and a Chihuahua. A good looking female mastiff walked up to them and said, "The one who can best use the words "liver" and "cheese" in a sentence can have me." The shepherd said, "I love liver and cheese." The mastiff said, "That's not good enough." The bulldog said, "I hate liver and cheese." "Not creative enough," said the mastiff. With that, the chihuahua jumped off the barstool and in his best Latin accent, said, "Liver alone, cheese mine." _________________________________________________________ 7 Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic. So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him. So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad. "Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the fucking thing!" _________________________________________________________ 8 Three Nuns are involved in a fatal car accident, and they arrive together at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them, and informs them that they each have to answer one question before he will allow them to enter Heaven. St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who built an ark to keep the animals safe during The Great Flood?" She replies, "Noah!". Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open. St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who tempted Adam and Eve to eat the forbidden fruit in The Garden of Eden?" She replies, "That blasted serpent!" Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open. St. Peter asks the first nun, "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" She thinks for a few minutes, and says, "Boy, that's a hard one!". Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open. _________________________________
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
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