NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, ! Today is Wednesday, July 15 (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ________________________________________________________ 1 George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out fucking around, haven't you?" He says, "Nope." She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt." He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick." ______________________________________________________ 2 Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!" ______________________________________________________ 3 A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger." _______________________________________________________ 4 A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!" "A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance." "Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes." ________________________________________________________ 5 A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window." _____________________________________________________ 6 One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies,"Oh, I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?" "Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly: "That's ma' rope! "She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!" _____________________________________________________ 7 A commercial traveler was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveler, "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality." The traveler duly entered the humble but cozy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveler was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality." No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath. "After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Curl up your butt woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor!" ________________________________________________________ 8 Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore." "WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .... His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here? "Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!" "His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!" ________________________________________________________
Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
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