Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Wednesday, July 17


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, ____________________________________________________ (`v) Ophelia Renew / Upgrade
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. "It's my husband," the woman says. "Here start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says, "Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?" "Yes, I am." "Why do you ask ?" "Well son, who do you think washed those shirts?" ____________________________________________________ 2 During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid." ____________________________________________________ 3 The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with the English language. One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit. "That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?" asked the lady. "Oh... about the same as your husband's, but a little bit ticker." the au pair replied. ____________________________________________________ 5 Two drunk men were sitting in the park. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands." "By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard." "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!" ___________________________________________________ 6 A grumpy, overbearing office manager once had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses, bossing them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who would stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for a few minutes he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse said, "For this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After inserting the thermometer, she said, "Now, I have to go get something. You stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and the man cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door snickering. After quite some time had passed, a doctor walked into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes... but never with a DAFFODIL!" ___________________________________________________ 7 How Government Works (Or just about any large corporation these days) Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $318,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman. ___________________________________________________ 8In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?" "Because my mom has two bags of Silicone and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!" ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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