Ophelia Dingbatter's News

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 22
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support 
for the troops! 

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. 
Those who judge me don't matter.

Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.

____________________________________________________
1
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With
considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case
from a dead soldier.
In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a
medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our
secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private screamed. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"

____________________________________________________
2
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The nextday I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning
I stopped reading.

____________________________________________________
3
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman
who has just passed away. At the end of the service the
pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is
again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the
ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As
they are walking out, the husband cries,
"Watch out for the wall!"

____________________________________________________
4
British Scientist magazine reported that researchers are
struggling to understand a common medical condition
affecting women in England where sufferers have sex while
they're asleep. The name of the disease is called
"marriage." 

____________________________________________________
5
A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession
finally takes matter into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into
the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full
length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband
and his monitor.

She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super
Sex"!!!!!.
He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" -
"Super Sex", "Super Sex"!!!!

Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."

____________________________________________________
6
A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have
the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another
woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."

"Why, because you miss me?"

"No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast."

____________________________________________________
7
Wedding Telegrams

The Bureau of Meteorology forcasts rainstorms so the bride
can expect a few good inches overnight.

Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch
instalments.

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that
you never get to prove it."

Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms
in womans sink.

Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of
Bride and Groom Mounted.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over
gently and She'll last for many years.

Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give
his bone to the woman next door.

Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.

If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

Go for it mate. We all did!

All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.

She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night
he was on her and off her.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will
be an Off-Spring next Spring.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber
Pass, One long hard route.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes
you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes
you Pregnant.

Travel Agency to Bride:
The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.

Football coach to bride:
If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good,
pull him off.

Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.


=====================================================

















Enjoy!

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia







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Enjoy!
Ophelia





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See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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