Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, November 28

(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________
1
When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our
vacations, in British Columbia.  In those days all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors.  We had
a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine
fishing.  It was at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a
1/2 mile wide.

While we were around our campfire in the evening the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares.  They
would also tell of the Legends of the area.  This one Legend
always stuck in my mind.

It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes made
their homes.  They were, however, at War, with one another
from years before.

There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with a
young Brave in the other Camp.  They used to stand, on the
shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant
Indian love calls to each other...even though they were
warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it.
One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.

That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into the
Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight.  When they
reached each other in the center of the Lake, they embraced
and, very quickly, froze to death.  This act so impressed the
Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the young man.

I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent
at "Lake Stupid".

_______________________________________________________
2
SIGNS YOU'RE HUNGOVER

* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina
  than be exposed to sunlight.

* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue
  to tell your room to "Stay still."

* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same
  reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.

* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time
  with your toilet.

* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the
  more feasible praying in a fetal position.

* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting,
  "Step right up and give it whirl!"

* All day long your motto is, "Never again."

* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles
  around your bed.

* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

------------
The days, when guys still tried to get me drunk, are over.
Now they get themselves drunk.

______________________________________________________
3
I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the
checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me,
firmly embracing a beautiful brunette, and they were sharing a
rather passionate French kiss.

As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger
asked the blonde, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

____________________________________________________
4
Jill the call-girl was busily appointing hours to the regulars at
her favorite dive.

"John, you can come at seven-ish. Hey Joe, you can come over at
aruond eight-ish, and you, Jim, I've got you in at around nine-
ish."

Then she looked around the crowded, seedy bar, and cooed, "Ten-
ish, anyone?"

____________________________________________________
5
A travelling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young
lady in a bar, and invited her to his room.

As she was disrobing, he said, "Say, how old are you?"

"Thirteen." she said.

"Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right
now and get out of here!"

On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to
him, and said, "You're superstitious, right?"

_____________________________________________________
6
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe
nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good
looking'! How's it going'?"

She having already downed a few power drinks she
turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
. . .
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front
door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever
since I got out of college.
I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No
kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

_____________________________________________________
7
On the way upstairs to her room, the prostitute said not a word to
her customer.  He finally said, "Are you feeling hostile tonight?"

She replied, "Missionary-style, doggy-style, hos-style, whatever
turns you on!"

_____________________________________________________
8
>From Edna
  I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day.  Since it
was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned
house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale.
  Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the
appropriate items and rushed back inside.  I did this until every
item was labeled.

  Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery.  I
noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at
ease.   It was only after he left that I noticed there was one
sticker still attached to the front of my blouse.  It read "Make
me an offer."

_______________________________________________________






Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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