NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, February 24
(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________
1
Doug meets Bill at the bar for their usual after work
drink.
Bill is sitting there looking somewhat depressed.
Doug asks, "What's wrong pal?"
Bill replies, "Well, I finally succeeded in talking my
girlfriend in to a threesome."
"Wow, lucky you. But why the long face?" Doug
remarks.
Bill sighs and says, "Yeah, well, as the threesome
entered into its second hour of hot and heavy action,
it dawned on me that I really should have specified
that I wanted to be one of the three."
_______________________________________________________
2
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast
asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and
proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was
startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making
love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over
early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down
for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe
this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen
years and I wasn't about to start now!"
______________________________________________________
3
One day, a painter found himself short of help and
went to the unemployment office to hire someone
for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any
painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there.
He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the
painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help
again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked
for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when
we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist,
we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home.
But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through
the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
_________________________________________________
4
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually
mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by women
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male
perspective thing)
____________________________________________________
5
A man and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake
occurred at 3:00 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the
hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was
reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen steps up and asks him if he had
felt the earthquake during the night.
"I sure did". My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and
I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that
one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down.
The guy asks, what were you doing during the earthquake? Gee, I was
having the best performance of my life as that earthquake was happening.
Is that right? And what did your wife think about it?
The man said, well, "it damn near woke her up".
_____________________________________________________
6
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition
to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we
must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her
heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined
that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I
have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but
I know we have that deadline to meet....
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't
be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint,
but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come
to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even
gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
_____________________________________________________
7
There once was this dude named Matt,
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat,
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he'd get,
Is when he goes home to his cat.
_____________________________________________________
8
Said Old Father Maury: "I'm humble,
And getting too old for a tumble,
But produce me a busty blonde,
And I'm still not beyond
An attempt at an interesting fumble."
______________________________________________________
Enjoy!
(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia
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