Ophelia Dingbatter's News

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday,  September 17

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.
____________________________________________________
1
Dear Webby said that he got that dreaded furniture disease
.....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

____________________________________________________
2
>From Boris
As we age, our priorities change......

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife,
dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple
of short velvet ropes.

Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.

_____________________________________________________
3
THE NEW OFFICE VOCABULARY

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was 
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on 
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and 
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working 
hard.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream

only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube 
farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see 
what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a 
promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO.
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch 
potato.

SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What 
yuppies turn into when they have children and one of 
them stops working to stay home with the kids or start 
a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and 
whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY.
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's 
workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic 
device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above 
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 
"adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or 
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" 
needless paperwork and processes.

404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error 
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested 
document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that 
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply
all')

WOOFies.
Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM,

then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to 
PRAIRIE DOGGING.

____________________________________________________
4
Guts: 
is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being  assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the
guts to ask: 
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"

____________________________________________________
5
Balls:
is coming home late after a night out with the guys, 
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, 
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to 
say:
"You're next"

___________________________________________________
6
"Ignorance can be fixed. Stupid is forever." 
(See AOC, Beto, Pocahunta, Mad Max)

___________________________________________________
7
Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors
about the local priest. The first nun reported, "I was
going through Father's office the other day, and do you
know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
 
The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded.
 
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.
 
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the
Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a
bunch of condoms!
 
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent
violation of the priest's chastity vow.
 
"What did you do???" they asked.
 
"I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun.
 "I poked holes in all of the condoms!"
 
The third nun screamed and fainted. 

___________________________________________________
8
 man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an 
attractive woman standing alone.  He approached her and 
asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the 
things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Fuckwell Titsenbeer," he said

====================================================



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(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia
===================


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