Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, March 22
Today DearWebby has to go to Calgary for injections
into his eyeballs. Yikes!
That means nothing will be sent out for Friday, Saturday
or Sunday. Monday morning I will be in your mailbox again.
Renew / Upgrade
Those who matter don't judge me.
Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money,
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life
wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested
they vary their position.
"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow.
Lift her legs, and off you go."
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon
as they got home.
"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions.
First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second,"
she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my
mother's house or the Bingo Hall."
A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get
enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn
they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they
have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple
more during the night. The problem is during the day: the
fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses
so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he
decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take
your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when
you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot
into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you.
That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while.
One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit
and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose.
"What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I
fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then
we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of
Beckie since the huntin' season got started!"
An Orthodox Jewish wedding takes place and the young couple find
themselves in bed, ready to consummate the marriage. The young Hasid
says to his bride, "I've never done this before. I'm not really
what to do."
His wife responds in a reassuring way that she will guide
him through the process. She says, "Remove your garments." The
"No," she says, "all of them, not just your tzitzis."
A little embarrassed, the husband complies. She says, "OK, now you
need to lie right on top of me."
"Naked?" he asks. "Yes," she says. So he climbs on to her,
but just lies there.
"Now," she says, "Put it inside me."
"You mean my...?"
"Yes!" He does so, but is still embarrassed,
and just lies there on top of her doing nothing,
rigid in more ways than one.
Finally after several minutes of just lying there, the
bride gets an idea.
Now she says, "Daven!" (Pray by moving back and forth)
....when students work on their tans and teachers work
on their sanity.
....when students go wild someplace other than school.
....when the only thing kids study is each other.
....when teenagers give their swimsuits a dry run.
....when students take time off from football games,
basketball games, dances, parties, and hanging out
in bars, and go to Florida or Mexico and "relax."
....when the nation's college kids demonstrate to the
world how much they've learned.
....when the nation's breweries go all out to teach
another generation how to throw up responsibly.
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested
in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I
can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen
me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't
concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got
to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small
bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are
experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY
powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand?
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife
has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to
the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the
pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.
He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second
pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they
Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own
coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and
coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his
wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a
strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a
tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,
"I need a man..."
His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Yeah..
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting
in a bar having a drink (or two or three) , doing what most
old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and
They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their
comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.
And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the
Today though something was different. There was a wise
looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided
to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.
The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always
arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said
the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so
loud that the neighbors complained.
The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife
was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."
Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"
The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth
she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."
The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we
haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."
The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's
wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."
When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch
her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite
your head off."
Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names.
Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool,
but.... Who has the worst wife?"
The chief replied, "I do."
Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.
The chief replied something along the lines of
"Whumpo Havo Noja"
Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief
explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in
English to "Three-Old-Horses."
More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but
what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?
The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said ,
"Nag, Nag, Nag."
The young girl said to the rather hip new priest, "Father, is it a
sin to have sex before receiving Communion?"
The priest replied, "Only if you block the aisle."
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See ya tomorrow!