Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Today is Saturday, February 17
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind. Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip across the flat ones. Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. ____________________________________________________ 2 A buxom, blonde, young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" the blonde snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it." ____________________________________________________ 3 From Nort I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive Lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / Ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?" "No, I don't", I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No", I said. "I have never done any of those things." He looked at me and said... "Then why do you give a sh*t if you live to be 80?" ___________________________________________________ 4 A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!" ____________________________________________________ 5 A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?" And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!" ___________________________________________________ 6 A frantic mother called her pediatrician at two in the morning. "Doctor," she yelled, "My baby just ate an entire tube of K-Y jelly! What do I do?" "Well," came the response, "if you really can't wait, call an all-night drugstore." ___________________________________________________ 7 The young girl said to the rather hip new priest, "Father, is it a sin to have sex before receiving Communion?" The priest replied, "Only if you block the aisle." =====================================================



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