Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, March 22

Today DearWebby has to go to Calgary for injections
into his eyeballs. Yikes!
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house or the Bingo Hall." ____________________________________________________ 2 A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do. "Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time." Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?" "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go back home." "So what's the problem?" "Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin' season got started!" ____________________________________________________ 3 An Orthodox Jewish wedding takes place and the young couple find themselves in bed, ready to consummate the marriage. The young Hasid says to his bride, "I've never done this before. I'm not really sure what to do." His wife responds in a reassuring way that she will guide him through the process. She says, "Remove your garments." The husband complies. "No," she says, "all of them, not just your tzitzis." A little embarrassed, the husband complies. She says, "OK, now you need to lie right on top of me." "Naked?" he asks. "Yes," she says. So he climbs on to her, but just lies there. "Now," she says, "Put it inside me." "You mean my...?" "Yes!" He does so, but is still embarrassed, and just lies there on top of her doing nothing, rigid in more ways than one. Finally after several minutes of just lying there, the bride gets an idea. Now she says, "Daven!" (Pray by moving back and forth) ____________________________________________________ 4 Spring Break.... ....when students work on their tans and teachers work on their sanity. ....when students go wild someplace other than school. ....when the only thing kids study is each other. ....when teenagers give their swimsuits a dry run. ....when students take time off from football games, basketball games, dances, parties, and hanging out in bars, and go to Florida or Mexico and "relax." ....when the nation's college kids demonstrate to the world how much they've learned. ....when the nation's breweries go all out to teach another generation how to throw up responsibly. ____________________________________________________ 5 "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..." His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Yeah.. Me too.." ___________________________________________________ 6 A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three) , doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing. And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife. Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife. The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained. The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water." Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?" The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water." The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years." The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon." When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off." Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?" The chief replied, "I do." Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was. The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja" Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses." More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean? The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag." ___________________________________________________ 7 The young girl said to the rather hip new priest, "Father, is it a sin to have sex before receiving Communion?" The priest replied, "Only if you block the aisle." =====================================================

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