Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Redneck Sex Quiz 1) A menstrual cycle has three wheels. [True] or [False]? 2) Asphalt describes rectal problems. [True] or [False]? 3) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. [True] or [False]? 4) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. [True] or [False]? 5) The clitoris is a type of flower. [True] or [False]? 6) A G-string is part of a fiddle. [True] or [False]? 7) Semen is a term for sailors. [True] or [False]? 8) Anus is a Latin term for yearly. [True] or [False]? 9) Testicles are found on an Octopus. [True] or [False]? 10) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. [True] or [False]? 11) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. [True] or [False]? 12) Masturbate is used to catch large fish. [True] or [False]? 13) Coitus is a musical instrument. [True] or [False]? 14) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. [True] or [False]? 15) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. [True] or [False]? 16) A condom is a large apartment complex. [True] or [False]? 17) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. [True] or [False]? 18) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. [True] or [False]? 19) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. [True] or [False]? 20) An erection is when Japanese people vote. [True] or [False]? 21) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. [True] or [False]? 22) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. [True] or [False]? 23) Pornography is the business of making records. [True] or [False]? 24) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. [True] or [False]? 25) Douche is the French word for "twelve.". [True] or [False]? ____________________________________________________ 2 One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your little brother!" ____________________________________________________ 3 A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this: 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?" ____________________________________________________ 4 A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch. After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem. She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list. He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again. She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce." Ears. "Two ears of corn." Breasts. "Two chicken breasts." Crotch: "Fantastic." ____________________________________________________ 5 >From Ed I went into a diner the other day and I ordered a BLT (saying each letter individually) and then again individually saying the letters S-H-I-T, and the waitress got very angry at me. I said all I want is a Bacon Lettuce Tomato sandwich - Served Hot In Toast. I then said you know I changed my mind I'll have a bagel C-U-N-T. The waitress now even got angrier. I said what the heck is the matter with you all I want is a darn bagel - Cut Up Not Toasted. ___________________________________________________ 6 A guy from the city wanted to buy a pig for a family barbecue, so he drove into the country until he seen a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE". Turning into the farmyard, he found the farmer, and requested a small pig, They went over to the pig sty and the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. "Yup, that there porker weighs about 74 pounds." Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, the ability to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that fashion. The city guy, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result. The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go up to the house and pay his wife, bring a receipt back to the farmer, and he could then take the pig. After a long wait, the city gent finally returned, but without a receipt. "What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer. "I went up there like you said," said the gent, "But your wife was too busy." "Busy doing what?" "Well, I think she was weighing the mailman." ___________________________________________________ 7 The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." They had no overpaid Democrat football players there, and that is how the substitute became the regular organist! =====================================================

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