Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 4
(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________
1
A football coach noticed that his star tackle,
Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he
couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one
day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is
your secret?"
So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm
about to have sex, I always whip it out and
bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This
numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went
to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the
shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he
jerked off his clothes and started banging
it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower
and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
______________________________________________________
2
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing: It's the only type of
cooking a'real' man will do". When a man volunteers to
do such cooking, the following chain of events is put
into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on
a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and
takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill,
drinking a beer.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the
vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to
the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the
table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
dishes.
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night
off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there's just no pleasing some women.
______________________________________________________
3
Robert wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation
to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up
sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy.
I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to
give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and
taper off gradually."
______________________________________________________
4
5 little hippies looking for
a score,
One smoked some rotten
hash now there's only 4.
4 little hippies going on
a spree,
One went executive, now
there's only 3.
3 little hippies smelling like
a zoo,
One copped some dial soap,
now there's only 2
2 little hippies broke and on
the run,
One met a city cop, now there's
only 1
1 little hippie stoned as he can be,
revealed his secret stash,
now there's 43.
________________________________________________________
5
Back when Prince Andrew first became engaged to Fergie,
he spoke to his father, "Fergie assures me she is a
virgin. How will I know if she is?"
"It's simple, son" replied Prince Phillip. "On your
honeymoon night, when you get into bed, if she's clumsy,
nervous, makes mistakes and is not sure what to do, then
you can be fairly sure she's a virgin. But if she gives
you instructions and tells you what to do, you'll know
she's a lying slut who's slept around."
After the honeymoon, Phillip asked, "How was it son?'
"Just great, Father" said Andrew. "It was just the way
you said... and no doubt about it - she's definitely a
virgin."
"Was she nervous, son?" asked Phillip.
"She sure was Father" Andrew replied. "In fact she was
so nervous and confused that when we jumped into bed,
instead of putting the pillow under her head, she was in
such a state she jammed it under her arse!"
_____________________________________________________
6
Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes.
However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes.
So smokers ... Screw for your lives!
__________________________________________________
7
Vivus Inc. will now ask the US Food and Drug
Administration for permission to begin testing the drug,
alprostadil, on the female genitalia. The drug is
applied topically and enhances orgasm by dilating the
blood vessels that feed the clitoris.
And it comes with a handy nine-inch ribbed, battery
operated applicator.
______________________________________________________
8
Wendy, Keli and Anni always hang their laundry out
in the backyard. When it rains, however, the
laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is,
except for Anni's. Wendy and Keli why Anni never
has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting
their clothes on the line when Wendy says to Anni,
"Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never
out?"
"Well," says Anni, "when I wake up in the morning, I
look over at Sam. If his penis is hanging over his
right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and
I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over
his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't
hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks Keli.
"Honey," says Anni, "on a day like that, you don't do
the laundry."
____________________________________________
Ophelia
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Ophelia
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