Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, May 11


Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
Those, who click me some grocery
REALLY matter.
He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80
year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give
birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered,
"You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same
nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he
said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said:
"Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This
one's black."

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of
expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and
offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and
the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It
seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole
being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being
softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another
Port, on the other hand, makes me fart."

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the
students, one by one, this question.   "Michael, if you were on
a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the restroom," she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very
mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once
and show us your good manners."

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher had a kaniption fit.

The teacher, Miss Baker, asks the children what they want to be
when they grow up.

"I want to be an actress," Susie says.

"I want to be an astronaut," Cliff says.

"I want to be a sex therapist," says Little Johnny.

"Would you please tell the class how you think your job is
going to be like?" asked Miss Baker.

"Okay, Miss Baker. Look out of the window. Three women are
walking down the street eating ice cream. One is licking, one
is sucking, and one is biting. Would you please tell the class
which one is married?" says Little Johnny.

"Get out of the class, Little Johnny, and come back with your
parents!" exclaims Miss Baker.

Little Johnny replies, "The one that is married is the one that
is wearing a wedding ring. It is people like you, Miss Baker,
that I am going to treat.

A man making the Bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went
into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him
and told him he should go home.

Man: My wife will kill me.

Bartender: Take her some candy.

Man: She is on a diet.

Bartender: Take her some flowers.

Man: She has allergies.

Bartender: Tell her a poem.

Man: She loves poems ... I don't know any.

Bartender: Here is one for you. The Bartender recited.


Man: I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to
himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his
keys. So he knocks on the door.

Wife: You better not of been drinking.

Man: Sweetness, I have a poem for you!

Wife: It had better be good

The man starts to recite the poem:


He got a knee in the groin.

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female
teller, "Umm...
err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what
size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he
prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful
teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man
sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently
caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and sticks
it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his
penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out
and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina,
wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly
pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is
beginning to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the
appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The
girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his
side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did
it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you
saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was
with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's
hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if
he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's
head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot
humping a hen, and snatches the parrot bald.

The following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner.
She thinks it would be unique if the parrot greeted the
guests and told them where to go. She had spent nearly a year
training the parrot for this.

As the guests began entering, the parrot dutifully
"Ladies to the right! Gentlemen to the left!"

Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot screeches,
"And you two chicken-fuckers get up here with me."


Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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