Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Today is Tuesday, August 30

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Ophelia


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___________________________________________________ 1 Sorcerers' spells and voodoo hexes are dismissed as hocus- pocus in much of the world, but in Zimbabwe a juju curse is considered a plausible danger. A suburban Harare, Zimbabwe, prostitute was recently accused of magically stealing her client's penis and testicles after he failed to pay her $1.60 fornication fee, notes the Nov. 15 Herald Reporter. The married man excused himself after intercourse with her to use an outdoor toilet, but he never returned. The next morning, the swindler entered another public lavatory at the Mbare Musica bus station, where he discovered that his sex organs had vanished! Dismayed by this dislocation, he began screaming and running around the crowded terminal, clutching his smooth crotch. Police officers dragged him to the local station, where he related his sad tale and displayed his empty groin as proof. The vengeful hooker was summarily ushered in to explain the genitalia absence. She informed her interrogators that the lost apparatus would be returned the following day if the man apologized for his behavior and paid her for the sexual services that he had received, plus interest. Contritely, the man obeyed. The next morning he joyously returned to the constabulary to confirm to the curious and concerned police that he had indeed woken up fully intact. Belief in Zimbabwe black magic extends to all races, suggests an article in the Nov. 7 Africa News. Richard Wolton, a farmer, hired seven n'angas (traditional healers) to banish from his property any witches who might be mysteriously killing his farm workers. The n'angas located an abundance of ominous objects that they claimed were used in nocturnal witchcraft activities. The confiscated juju junk included owls, snakes, goblins and a human penis. ______________________________________________________ 2 Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment! Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum. Jane: What did you say? Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me your last name, or get your shit out of my house !" ______________________________________________________ 3 >From Bob My wife and I are both in an Internet business, but she's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching her back one day. "No, not there," she directed. "Scroll down." ______________________________________________________ 4 The following is a father's advice to his son just moments before he gets on the bus that will carry him off to join the Army: "Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of the men in our family have done since your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather did many hundreds of years ago. There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter. Remember your training and obey your commanders, this will keep you alive during the arduous days of battle. Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in grave jeopardy. When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and cities ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time. In every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all - there will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs to suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to catch you off guard. My advice to you as a former soldier is simple - What ever you do... FIND THAT STREET." ______________________________________________________ 5 There once was a man from York who picked his nose with a fork. When it got stuck he cried "I don't give a fuck", and walked around looking like a dork. ______________________________________________________ 6 The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?" Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight." ____________________________________________________




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